Monday, May 23, 2005

METAL AT THE MOVIES: GANGS OF NEW YORK and FIGHT CLUB

                                                                                                                                                              EDITORS NOTE: 2/22/2010: This journal entry was written a long time ago and edited, but I really enjoyed this historical aspect of this movie, hailing from New York. These movies are not about music, but well worth seeing.
"This is a rich mans war"(and a poor mans fight)-Gangs of New York
http://www.miramax.com/subscript/gangs-of-new-york-10th-anniversary-trailer
Some good DVD's; "Gangs of New York" with Leonardo DiCaprio is very good movie..Great cinematography.."The five points" represents (the civil war era) lower east side of Manhattan, NYC where I was ironically enough born in that neighborhood. "The Five Points" up to 9/11/01 was close enough to where the WTC once stood.
Gangs of New York represents the birth of America, during the most chaotic period in American history (up to maybe the 60's) the Civil War with Abraham Lincoln as president.. There was plenty of corruption in NYC back then, with Gangs ruling downtown Manhattan, firefighters fighting over turf, and bribes, as firefighters and cops had barely established a force back then.
NYC had barely established an identity (the Statue of Liberty was sent by France but not yet assembled due to the Great Depression) and the lower east side was ruled by angry mobs of Gangs..People were being drafted for the Civil War (straight off the boat), and you could pay a "tax" to avoid the draft and send someone (poor) in your place. Of course many complained it was a "rich mans war" (has much changed with the rich avoiding the draft?) and resented being drafted. Apparently the resentments of fighting over slavery (or the real issue industrialization vs. slave labor, North vs. South) caused the most intense riots in NYC history (to this very day) with the lower east side burning down, and angry mobs of gangs (draft riots) lynching random African Americans. As USA and NYC established an identity. The issues of WHY there were so many Gangs, corruption, outright poverty, and racism amongst those whom immigrated to the USA/NYC (via Ellis Island) as people lived in shanties (with no utilities) on the Lower East side of Manhattan.It is recommended that you check out GANGS OF NEW YORK in DVD version with the directors cut of the DISCOVERY CHANNEL segment on the 5 points during the civil war. In fact, DO PLEASE check out the DISCOVERY CHANNELS "UNCOVERING THE REAL GANGS OF NEW YORK" documentary as a consolidated accompaniment to the movie GANGS OF NEW YORK.

Along with Leonardo DiCaprio character avenging his fathers death by the hands of a "butcher" whom takes him under his wing, and figures his agenda, ohh wow, ya gotta see this movie. I won't give any more away. Rent out Gangs of New York in the DVD version with directors commentary (and documentary on the "Five Points") ect. Excellent movie, a must see. The only problem I have with this movie, is the focus being on DiCaprio's rivalry with the Butcher, and the real issues of the "The Five Points" being a backdrop to that drama. Ya know, being DiCaprio is "hawt" I can see why, he's not just another hoodlum in this movie, get it.. However, Gangs of New York, has a true historical background on the corruption, immigration, poverty, gangs, racism, greed of the establishment, and pending civil war draft as this folks, is the history of not only NYC, but America as well. Personally, I believe the Civil War was a righteous war, that I would have fought ( on the side of the Nawth along with the war against the nazi's-as any other "war" America has fought was/is complete bullshit). Although the Civil War did NOT change segregation, Jim Crow laws and discrimination until the civil rights movement of the 60's. The civil war had less to do with the inhumane treatment of African Americans as much as corporate industrial vs. slave labor. A practical upgrade in labor. .In fact, many white soldiers refused to fight in the integrated civil war as President Abraham Lincoln (colonization) struggled in his state of "nation" address" in denial that war was about slavery, state rights vs. national unity and consolidation as the South would have succeeded from the nation.
Bill Pool's ("The Butcher") vision of America was to close the doors to immigrants after his culture became successful. On the issue of immigration, has anything changed, as one generation of immigrants establish themselves in the USA, they close the door to others. Boss Tweed's corruption was outed by a reporter/cartoonist (Thomas Nast-Harpers Weekly) and is backdrop to GANGS OF NEW YORK.
Another good DVD, "Auschwitz" an HBO documentary on the nazi invasion of Europe. Many SS nazi soldiers were interviewed in this documentary (and ya know, sadly, after the Holocaust alot of those most notorious of the SS Nazi elite immigrated to America before being convicted for war and human rights crimes as they were elderly when they were finally brought to justice. The irony is the Jews immigrating to the USA were turned AWAY in boatloads during the Holocaust). Maybe some SS Nazi soldiers really believed in that agenda, as others saw the opportunity to be socio and psycho paths to Jews, trained tyrants and murderers...How much $ was embezzled by the SS Nazi's from the jews right into the hands of soldiers? Alot.. The disabled, children, elderly, gay, and sick were the first to be exterminated. When the war against the nazi's had ended, many (surviving Jews and families) jews took it upon themselves to bring these SS nazi's to justice, as many Nazi's ran abroad to AMERICA and Europe to flee prosecution. How ironic, because of immigration quotas, many Jews were not allowed to immigrate to America, and deported from England back to Germany to the concentration camps...Any way, another must see documentary, as Hitler had occupied most of Europe before the allied forces even saw the need to intervene. I want to rent more movies on the heroes against nazi Germany, the Germans that worked with Jews against Hitler (check out Schindler's List as well)...
Another DVD worth renting, (as I've seen this movie at least 8 times, but for the first time in DVD version with actor commentary and special features) FIGHT CLUB..Helena Bonham Carter is soo gorgeous.in Fight Club, dood, she's not just a "tourist" get yer head together, get out of that delusion and reco- gnize who this hot chick is..Enough of my unbridled "lust", if ya haven't figured "Fight Club" out, Brad Pitt, and Edward Norton, are both playing the same mentally ill character. Brad Pitt being the alter ego of a man whom is having a nervous breakdown (Edward Norton's character) dangerous and :cough: anti social and anti corporate..Ugh, this movie "hurts" to watch, alot of people have been through "nervous breakdowns", through the daily grind of their uninspired jobs, and material possessions. Well worth seeing in DVD version, "You are not your Khaki's", a cult or KVLT classic for generation X'ers...
https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/gangs-of-new-york-2002/id432475512?ign-mpt=uo%3D4
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-\m/ -l-

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Deicide, Immolation. Skinless, Despised Icon, With Passion tour dates

Tour dates for metal heads, our boy in Skinless are out on the road too, and Immolation. 5/28-29 is the MDF (Maryland Death Fest) btw. Hope to see you all there, as Immolation will be playing the second day (off Deicide tour date) , and the first day will be awesome with bands you should be familiar with :wink:


Posts: 1336

34 days, 34 shows Our upcoming tour dates. Hope to see most of you guys out there somewhere. The last 4 shows are Skinless headliners on our way back east.

Deicide, Immolation, SKINLESS, Despised Icon With Passion shows
5/26 Maverick's, Ottawa, ON
5/27 Penny Arcade, Rochester, NY
5/28 Albie's Bar, Utica, NY
5/29 The Trocadero, Philadelphia, PA
5/30 BB King's, NYC, NY
5/31 Jaxx, West Springfield, VA
6/1 Saratoga Winners, Latham, NY
6/2 L'Imperial, Quebec City, QUE
6/3 Club Soda, Montreal, QUE
6/4 Phoenix Concert Theater, Toronto, ONT
6/5 Joe's, Chicago, IL
6/6 Ranch Bowl, Omaha, NE
6/7 Station 4, St. Paul, MN
6/8 Pyramid, Winnipeg, MB
6/9 Riddel Center, Regina, SK
6/10 Starlite Room, Edmonton, ALB
6/11 MacEwan Hall Ballroom, Calgary, ALB
6/12 The Generator, Prince George, BC
6/13 Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver, BC
6/14 Studio Seven, Seattle, WA
6/15 Roseland Theater, Portland, OR
6/16 The Boardwalk, Orangevale, CA
6/17 The Pound, San Francisco, CA
6/18 Galaxy Theatre, Santa Ana, CA
6/19 Key Club, los Angeles, CA
6/20 Marquee Theater, Tempe, AZ
6/21 Sunshine Theater, Albuquerque, NM
6/22 Sanctuary, San Antonio, TX
6/23 Mary Jane's, Houston, TX
6/24 Equal Eyes Live, Corpus Christi, TX

6/25 Baton Rouge, LA, TBA
6/26 Memphis, TN, The Armory
6/27 Columbus, OH, TBA
6/28 Pittsburgh, PA, Rookies

L

Hate Eternal, Krisiun, Incantantion, Into Eternity, All Shall Perish North American Tour dates: Btw, the New Hate Eternal crushes!! I, monarch should tear yer balls off \m/
My freinds (whom I don't get to see) whom live in the Mid West, should be stoked to see this tour.
Hate Eternal, Krisiun, Incantation, Into Eternity, All Shall Perish06/16 - Jaxx -West Springfield, VA (USA)
06/17 - The Loft - Poughkeepsie, NY (USA)
Dwell In Darkness II (Ohio) 06/18 - The Palladium - Worcester, MA (USA)
06/20 - The Trocadero - Philadelphia, PA (USA) (info)
06/21 - Kashmir - Quebec City, QC (CAN)
06/22 - Café Campus - Montreal, QC (CAN)
06/23 - Mavericks - Ottawa, ON (CAN)
06/24 - El Mocambo - Toronto, ON (CAN)
06/25 - Penny Arcade - Rochester, NY (USA)
06/26 - BB Kings Blues Club - New York, NY (USA)
06/27 - Albie's Bar - Utica, NY (USA)
06/28 - Peabody's Down Under - Cleveland, OH (USA)
06/29 - Alvin's - Detroit, MI (USA)
06/30 - Ranch Bowl - Omaha, NB (USA)
07/01 - Ascot Room - Minneapolis, MN (USA)
07/02 - Royal Albert Arms - Winnipeg MB (CAN)
07/03 - The Exchange - Regina, SK (CAN)
07/04 - Starlite Room - Edmonton, AB (CAN)
07/05 - Warehouse - Calgary, AB (CAN)
07/06 - The Generator - Prince George, BC (CAN)
07/07 - Red Room - Vancouver, BC (CAN)
07/08 - Studio Seven - Seattle, WA (USA) (info)
07/09 - Ash St. Saloon - Portland, OR (USA) (info)
07/10 - The Pound at Pier 96 - San Francisco, CA (USA)
07/11 - TBA
07/12 - The Boardwalk - Orangevale, CA (USA)
07/13 - Key Club - Los Angeles, CA (USA)
07/14 - Galaxy Theatre - Santa Ana, CA (USA)
07/15 - The Clubhouse - Tempe, AZ (USA)
07/16 - The Launch Pad - Albuquerque, NM (USA)
07/17 - OFF 07/18 - Sanctuary - San Antonio, TX (USA)
07/19 - Mary Jane's - Houston, TX (USA)
07/20 - OFF 07/21 - The Masquerade - Atlanta, GA (USA)
07/22 - The Imperial - Jacksonville, FL (USA)
07/23 - The Masquerade - Tampa FL(USA)
07/24 - Culture Room - Ft. Lauderdale, FL (USA)
Also in BAD news: Guitarist Daniel Monyigian has left Cryptopsy to pursue Canadian metal band Martyr full time. Mongrain is also the guitarist in Capharnaum, and has had a stint with Gorguts, ALL of whom are excellent tech/death CANADIAN  metal. Apparently Moynihan was just filling in for Jon Levasseur whom left Cryptopsy late last year.

Later, Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-Tee \m/ -l-

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Back by popular demand 101 rules of black metal

This is a copy of an e-mail currently doing the rounds, judging by the spelling it originated in the States. # 79 is missing - don't know why. Read on and enjoy. The Older section of Cradle of Fun is now here.

Last but not least..The 101 rules of Black Metal..These satirial "rules" are meant to be laughed at as a countercultural behaviorial aspect of metal fans, and not meant to be imitated. These satirical rules are considred KVLT classics. Thanks to live4metal.com. for the comedy and metal heads internationally for not taking themselves so seriously. ENJOY-Thanks-Tee- -l- \m/ BTW, don't expect me to update this journal during the sumer as often.

101 Rules of Black Metal

1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "DeMysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal Fog)
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than15adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like a troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes down turned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look atyou.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in anycase, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The NextGeneration.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy@#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the@#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smiley: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amateurs...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nornecro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you mayalso want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part orsomething.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order itimmediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" wheneverpossible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$"during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on DeMysteriis DomSathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pickup that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

101 rules of power metal

  51 Rules of Power Metal
51 Rules for a Power Metal fan to avoid being labelled as gay 


1. No matter what you do, you are gay 
2. Don’t enjoy ManOwar, they are gay 
3. Never go outside carrying a sword. 
4. Don’t hold you sword and scream “poweeeeeer of steeel”. That is gay 
5. Do not talk about fantasy lyrics as if they belong in metal. 
6. Do not talk about fantasy worlds. 
7. Never talk about hobbits. Hobbits are gay 
8. Do not have a band that has the word or variation of the word Elf in it. 
9. Don’t say Hail and Kill. That is quite homosexual. 
10. Avoid saying, “man that guy sure has a great falsetto!” 
11. If most of the singers in the bands you enjoy have voices higher than your girlfriend, you are gay 
12. Scratch that, you have no girlfriend. 
13. Do not buy a cd that has the word Dragon in it. Dragons are not gay but you cannot push your luck. 
14. Avoid referring to Hammerfall as “the saviours“, or “the templars”. 
15. Don’t listen to Hammerfall more that twice a year. Hammerfall are gay 
16. Do not live in your parents basement. 
17. Do not live with your parents. 
18. Do not ask your mother to wash your Tolkien underwear. 
19. Try to play chords that do not sound like 2nd rate Helloween. 
20. That’s all you know? You are gay 
21. Do not go to Renaissance fairs. That is beyond gay 
22. If you go do not wear a Peter Pan outfit. 
23. Do NOT carry your sword. 
24. If you see a maiden ask for a blowjob. 
25. Don’t talk to her about ManOwar. Refer to rule 2. 
26. Do not refer to intercourse as “returning the dragon to its lair” 
27. Scratch that. You do not have intercourse. 
28. Do not listen to faggoth. 
29. Power Metal and Faggoth combined make you a drag queen. 
30. Do not get offended when people say that Stratovarius sounds like Helloween. 
31. Do not write personal letters to Timo Tolkki. 
32. Avoid saying “Slays.” 
33. Don’t refer to Death Metal as “cookie monster crap”. 
34. If you do not like Death Metal, pretend to know something about it. 
35. Cradle of Filth are not Death Metal. Fag! 
36. Cradle of Filth are not Black Metal. Fag! 
37. Never enjoy Cradle of Filth. See 101 Rules of Black Metal. 
38. Don’t masturbate to a picture of Yngwie Malmsteen. 
39. Don’t masturbate to a picture of ManOwar. Cretin. 
40. Don’t masturbate wearing leather. 
41. Don’t masturbate wearing armour. 
42. Switch hands. 
43. Avoid saying the word “Power” too often. 
44. If you have a band do not use the following words in your song titles: Metal, False, True, Metal, Sword, Steel, Heathen, Warrior, Metal, Kings, Battles. 
45. Try to communicate with non-metal listeners. Do not brush them off as Posers. 
46. Do not wear frilly shirts. Leave that up to Boy George. 
47. Never say “Heavy metal or no metal at all”. In other words, don't be gay 
48. Don’t wear loin cloths. You know what’s coming. gay 
49. Don’t scream “metal brother” at concerts unless you like beatings. 
50. Don't be Dani Filth...err i mean, NEVER carry your sword outside your house! 
51. Refer to rule 1.

 

Metal lingo 101

Death Black Metal Lingo 101
:57:19 AM EDT

Death and Black metal lingo and humor 101:
OWNS- As in King Diamond OWNS you nu metal, mall core posers. All encompassing, superior.
OWNED-OR Poned-when you've been dissed, or dismissed as a poser, loser, retard or idiot. Or depending on context in a positive, as in "That band OWNED your band'..
BRUTAL or BROOTAL (for NYers)-The epitome of heaviness, anti christian darkness and brutality. Based upon double bass, blastbeats, death vocals, and thrash, grind, death metal riffage, played with frenetic SPEED. An attitude for extreme metal heads.
RIFFAGE-Good riffs that build upon one another, catchy, but non repetitive riffs. Well written riffs.
GRIM-Serious,dark, angry, brutal. Metaphor for good Scandinavian black metal. An attitude for black metalers.
CRUSHES-See owns, also KILLS.
KVLT-Describes the best of underground black metal, The most genuine and obscure of underground BM, as only 5 people own these bands out of print releases. Bands with a KVLT following tend to avoid commercial trappings as commercial success if frowned upon. KVLT death and black metal tend to avoid populism, mass appeal, and trends.
TRUE or TROO (for NYer's)-The most genuine, and honest in all of Scandinavian black metal. IE Cradle Of Filth are NOT "troo" black metal compared to the more underground and KVLT bands like Imapled Nazarene.Black metal that is raw, anti christian, hateful,minimalistic,EVIL, about the destruction of humanity, and misanthropic.                                                          UNTROO-Black metal that is NOT raw, minimalistic with commercial elements such as melodic keyboards and clean vocals.Phony, Fake. Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of filth are UNTROO.
GEY-Politically incorrect terminology for music that completely SUCKS IE Linkin Park (Stinkin Park), rap, mainstream or nu metal bands.
ELITIST-Death, gore grind, black, thrash, doom metal fans that own and trade obscure mp3's, CD's, demos' from unsigned bands or obscure indie extreme metal bands. Any "popular" or mainstream band in any genre of music is frowned upon as not "troo" by eltists. The trend is the anti trend. Deicide would be seen as too mainstream by death metal eltists as well as the Gothenburgh trend of melodic death metal-IE Soilwork, In Flames are also to mainstream.. A "Troo" metal elitist would know whom Gorguts and Gore Trade are compared to Dimmu Borgir fans.Extreme metal NOT signed to MAJOR indies, people whom are critically of cookie cutter, generic bands of all metal genres. Elitists can be seen as annoying, self righteous, nerdy, but cutting edge, LOYAL to underground/groundbreaking bands with minimal success that don't get MTV, or radio airplay. Eltists have often "heard it first" or "heard it all before" a genre or trend of music becomes popular.
MALL CORE, MALL GOTHS-Derogatory term for KiDZ whOm WrIte LiKe Dis, (wiggers who couldn't cut in the hood)buy their clothes at Hot Topic, and whom musical tastes are dictated by MTV or EMPTV. Kids whom dress in black because it is "trendy' and listen to Maryln Manson whom are either ADD, or on Prozac. Lock them in a room and make them listen to REM's Shiny Happy People.Mallcore is a term for commercial nu metal, hardcore or metal core, or extreme metal that has sold out.. Music and attitude dictated by trends as death/black metal heads HATE them. MALL CORE and MALL GAWTHS think they are being different and trend setting but are really conforming to non conformity. MALL CORE=NOT metal, or BAD metal or hard, commercially accessible rock, POSER..
CORE-Metalcore, hardcore or any thing derived from punk or hardcore. NOT considered troo metal, but a third rate derivative of bad thrash riffs in metal core.Not encompassing the morbid humor, and the beauty of darkness. Derived from punk, with sometimes the most generic "metal" riffs. Hardcore is derived from a punk aesthetic with songs about personal strength, scene/community unity, with screamed vocals,fast drum pace and breakdowns to induce moshing. Yo, YoU NeEd to WriTE a BreAkdown so I cOuld MoSh YO.
GOTHENBORE-OR GOTHEBURGH MELODIC SWEDISH DEATH METAL-The genre was genuinely founded by great bands such as At the Gates, Dismember, Grave, Carcass ect.Those Swedes are being ripped off as they wouldn't compromise their musical integrity 10 years ago or broke up.  Commercially accessible melodic metal with elements of death and thrash. Is easily intergrated with hardcore, metal core and nu metal. Underground Death metal elitists view  "Gothenbore" as "pop metal with a cold", too trendy, accessible, and not underground or groundbreaking. Biggest crossover melodic swedish metal culprits: Messhugah, In Flames, Soilwork, Arch Enemy all seen as not brutal, and sell outs and to melodic.Too many At The Gates clones in the metal core scene as well. Death and black metal elttists HATE Gothenbore bands.
HAILS-Black metal salute or salutations specifically in Norway, and Scandinavian countries.  For those whom are "troo".
GRIMLINE-Death and black metal gossip, as in "I heard it on the GRIMLINE" instead of grapevine.
-l- Inverted cross- an email/online salutation for "troo" metal heads, anti religious humans.
\m/ Devil horns in online format. Metal head online Salutation.
DEATH METAL- A Progression of thrash, with blast beats, growled vocals, speed. Thematically dark, morbid, imagery of human decay, DEATH, and destruction,.illegable band logos, Morbid, dark, gothic,satanic lyrical themes.The Death metal genre was founded by bands such as Death, Possessed, Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, Suffocation, Cryptopsy ect.
BLACK METAL-Minimalistic Scandinavian (viking) thrash metal. Metal, with anti christian themes, world destruction, misanthropic, satanic, unholy themes.BM is set to thrash, speed laden metal with black metal, raspy screamed vocals.Bullet belts, corpse paint, arm spikes and gauntlets are all a part of BM wear. BM prides itself on bad production, on a out dated Viking heritage, and pagan philosophy. The genre of black metal was founded by Norwegian artists such as Mayhem, Bathory, Venom, Dissection, Darkthrone, Xasther ect.
COOKIE MONSTER VOCALS-Growled vocals as in imitating one of the Muppets "cookie Monsterrr", gutteral, incomprehensible, death metal vocals. also known as vomit vox..
VOKILLS-Black Metal slang for raspy black metal screams.
GRIND OR GRINDCORE- A mixture of fast metal, with elements of death/thrash/ and sometimes hardcore or punk. Napalm Death or old DRI or the pioneers in this genre.
THRASH-Metal, played to higher level of speed, with staccato, fast riffs. An upgrade from hardcore with mostly elements of metal.Clean and screamed vocals. Slayer, Kreator, Destruction. OLD Metallica,Exodus, Testament, Possessed or pioneers in this scene.ALSO SPEED METAL, as speed metal tends to be less melodic, and focuses on speed rather than out right songwriting.
DOOM-Metal played slow, without blastbeats, without speed, with both death, clean, and and screamed vocals for a more emotional, mesmerizing, melancholy, depressing, sad effect.. Doom is denoted by SLOW, repetitive riffs. Like a beauty in darkness, one is not so alone in their depression. CandleMass,Entombed, Black Sabbath, My Dying Bride, Novembre, are all doom laden bands ALSO melodic DOOM=Ala Kalmah, as one could add folk elements, violins to European doom.Black Sabbath started the DOOM genre with a dark aesthetic and scared (thankfully) the hippies.
BLASTBEATS-Snare rolls, and snare drum patterns played very, very FAST, with double bass rythyms up 300-400 bpm. Blastbeats are a progression of hardcore, thrash beats, and are moslty performed by death/black and extreme metal bands.
DOOM STONER-Doom, played slow, with a metallic/psychedelic feel..Bands such as Meatjack, Today is the Day, ect are forerunners in that genre.
DEATHCORE-An offshoot of the NYDM (New York Death metal scene), hoods up, tough guy hardcore with genric, death metal rifs. Internal suffering are "originators" of this genre for better or worse.
NORSECORE-Hmm, controversial genre (better known as blackcore), a combo of European hardcore with a black metal aesthetic.
BLOWS GOATS-Metal chat slang for sucks. As in "That band blows goats"..
PROGRESSIVE METAL-Founded on the back of the classic progressive rock movement of Yes, Genesis, ect.thrash metal with technical musicianship, Progressive metal bands such as Dream Theatre,Symphony X, Iced Earth, are fore runners in this genre.
NU METAL-A combo of generic American hard rock with hardcore chugging "riffs", with rap, techno, industrial,.thrown in there. Nu Metal features hip hop fashion aesthetics, downtuned guitars, baggy pants, piercings, and ugh. Korn, Slipknot, Mudvayne, are forerunners in this genre. Nu Metal is the 90's version of hair metal or glam bands, and should be abolished ASAP.
NU BLACK METAL-Bands with symphonic tendencies, and keyboard saturated black metal or/and commercial European metal from a black metal aesthetic. Cradle Of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, Nightwish are forerunners in this sub genre. These bands are also known as the back street boys of metal. Mot to say I haven't liked these bands at some point earlier in their career.
TECH/DEATH-My fave genre. Very technical playing, with progressive elements such as math metal, death, grind, ect. Cryptopsy,Atheist, Necrophagist, Ion Dissonance (whom are tech/math grind), Cephalic Carnage, Death, Psychroptic, Nueraxis, Origin, Cynic,, Spawn of Possession are for runners in this genre.
SLAM DEATH-Death metal played with a groove, founded by the NYDM (New York Death Metal Scene). As Suffocation have progressed, NYDM bands such as  Pyrexia have token over the groove laden slam death throne. Fun death metal to mosh too, in the old school sensibility. Old Dying Fetus are also for runners int his genre.
FLORIDA DEATH-You should ALL know these bands. Bands that originated from Florida whom have helped to found American death metal: Cannibal Corpse (originally from Buffalo), Death/Control Denied, Deicide, Morbid Angel, Malevolent, Creation ect., Incantation (originally from NY), Hate Eternal, ect.
NYDM-New York Death Metal; founded by such bands as Suffocation, Immolation, Pyrexia, Mortal Decay, ect. IE: slam death.
METALCORE-a combo of hardcore aesthetics, and hardcore DIY ethics and attitude with thrash riffs ala At The Gates, with a Gothenburgh Swedish Death influence. Unearth, Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall are forerunners in this sub genre.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST BLACK METAL-NSBM-To be avoided if non racist. (I AM non racist, non fascist), Racist, nazi, fascist black metal, from Scandinavia ect. Burzum, Graveland, Zykon B,Dissection, ect. I will find a list of NSBM bands so you know what to avoid if you are humanistic or politically correct. Despite political points of view, being NS does not discredit these bands a musicians, BUT I can think of a zilion and one bands that are better whom don't involve themselves with nazi's or facist, or racists..
POWER METAL-Ugh, bands that sing in falsetto's, and dress like their are straight out of a dungeons and dragons role playing game. Hammerfall are the cheesiest of this genre, along with Nevermore ect.
POON-Female genital organ, Metaphor for "ass" "pussy"..
POONHURT-When you've been OWNED, dismissed, dumped, or blown off by a female, or male, or you are upset because you are losing an argument.
WINS-Great, OWNS, exceeds expectations.
GODLY-meaning great, awesome, of high quality, genre breaking, original.
That's it for now, maybe more later, Stay Metal and Stay Brutal-Tee-\m/ -l-

101 rules of hardcore

101 rules of hardcore, lmao.

101 Rules of Hardcore
Contains a couple of grammatical mistakes, but what the fuck......

1) Be tough at all times. 
2) Never cheer after a show, only clap. 
3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way 
4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire. 
5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them. 
6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly. 
7) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough. 
8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal. 
9) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts. 
10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends. 
11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town. 
12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core. 
13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style. 
14) Keep it in the do-jo. 
15) Real hardcore fans are called kids. 
16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs! 
17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud. 
18) Tell people you work in the music industry. 
19) More Ankles people! 
20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you. 
21) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again. 
22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan. 
23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes. 
24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class. 
25) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain. 
26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album. 
27) Start your own hardcore band. 
28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia. 
29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible. 
30) If you are shy start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience. 
31) People who know more bands than you are better than you. 
32) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX 
33) Never say "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny. 
34) It's merch not Merchandise. 
35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times. 
36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating. 
37) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are. 
38) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis. 
39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer. 
40) When people ask you if you like a band always say "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff." 
41) Buy all of that bands merch. 
42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show. 
43) Repeat steps 41 and 42 
44) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones. 
45) Don't tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well. 
46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year. 
47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don't admit you actually like Slayer. 
48) Complain at all costs. 
49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool 
50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers. 
51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference. 
52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The mother fuck" or "kick that guys ass move" or better yet... stay home and cry. 
53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms. 
54) Scream about love. 
55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink. 
56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids. 
57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band. 
58) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour. 
59) Velcro shoes are cool. 
60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only. 
61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly. 
62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers. 
63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone. 
64) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free. 
65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough. 
66) Re-issue your demos after every album. 
67) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play. 
68) Crying on stage makes you a professional. 
69) Complain some more. 
70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend. 
71) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking. 
72) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York. 
73) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional. 
74) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben) 
75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear. 
76) Fuck beer, Got breast milk? 
77) Bandanas are cool. 
78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler. 
79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser. 
80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really. 
81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band. 
82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity. 
83) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended. 
84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive. 
85) Describe your group of friends as "the scene" and then watch bootlegs of last weeks 
86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle. 
87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong. 
88) Keep punching 
89) Kick a little too 
90) Punch 
91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure. 
92) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm. 
93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is. 
94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy. 
95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear. 
96) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body. 
97) Straight bangs means straight-edge 
98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm. 
99) When in doubt Mock everything 
100) Take everything personally. 
101) Assume this list is about you 

101 rules of extreme metal

101 Rules of Extreme Metal
not the best one we've found, but does contain a few classics.....

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme. 
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off. 
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens. 
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable. 
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme). 
06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music). 
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover. 
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm) 
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist. 
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in. 
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type. 
12. Refer to 1 
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc. 
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'. 
15. Wear black. Always. 
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band. 
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again. 
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item. 
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings' 
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon. 
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour. 
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity). 
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'. 
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough). 
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds. 
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors) 
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc. 
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport. 
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year. 
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars. 
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...) 
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal). 
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project' 
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them. 
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way. 
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do). 
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't). 
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible 
39. Play the bass without a plectrum. 
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme. 
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female. 
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire' 
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals. 
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth. 
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth. 
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme. 
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed. 
48. Resurrect ****ty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the ****tiest possible production (by referring to rule 33). 
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'. 
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'. 
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand. 
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again. 
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme. 
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule. 
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth. 
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's. 
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere. 
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them). 
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name). 
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps. 
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail 
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer. 
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets. 
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest. 
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums. 
65. Head bang until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme. 
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably. 
67. Refer to 1. 
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction. 
69. Join your wife's band. 
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle. 
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, sothat viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white). 
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl). 
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe. 
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves. 
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead. 
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme. 
77. Record a Slayer cover. 
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band. 
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band. 
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies. 
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom. 
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off. 
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal. 
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world". 
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled. 
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's. 
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God. 
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that). 
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue. 
90. Wait, rules are for pussies. 
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience. 
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance. 
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album. 
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour. 
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal. 
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missile/Axe/Torpedo' Smith". 
97.Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a **** print. 
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws. 
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely. 
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'. 
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

 

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101 RULES OF A KERRANG KID

More rules for all you kids into heavy music.BUMPED from last week. These rules are not meant to be so much followed as they are a satire of metal/heavy music subculture.

Thanks to Live4metal.com. for these "rules" :sarcasm: of heavy music. The next few journal entries will be dedicated to these RULES, lmao. ENJOY, and don't pee your pants laughing at this. Tee-Stay Metal-Stay Brutal-\m/

131 Rules of a Kerrang Kid
Bastardized by Pete

1. Your hair is dyed a colour that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
3. You think ICP is funny. 
4. You think Korn is a metal band. 
5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.
6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison. 
7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face. 
8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore. 
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync". 
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands. 
13. You call things "the shit."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson. 
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus. 
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you! 
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image. 
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music." 
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot. 
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X. 
24. You say some rap is good. 
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name. 
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You knowwho Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre. 
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head. 
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien. 
32. You think death metal is Satanic. 
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Kerrang simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness. 
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album. 
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!! 
37. You consider the black album "old Metallica". 
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label. 
39. HMV meets all of your music needs. 
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool. 
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed. 
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video. 
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars. 
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public. 
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV. 
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap. 
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it. 
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were". 
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain. 
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy. 
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64. 
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude." 
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't. 
56. You think punk rock was started by Sum 41 
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it. 
58. You look like Fred Durst. 
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry. 
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL. 
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums. 
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit." 
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs. 
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on. 
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead. 
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it. 
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks. 
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight." 
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band. 
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band. 
71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-nu metal sites (with bad grammar and obscene language, of course). 
72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist. 
73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your maths teacher tells you to "knock it off!" 
74. Every time a new Kerrang band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at HMV.
75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans. 
76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot. 
77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.
78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.
79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.
80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.
81. Your hair is more colours than a hippie's shirt.
82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.
83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.
84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.
85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."
86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.
87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.
88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.
89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.
90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.
91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.
92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.
93. You've hit a "gravity bong."
94. You think of Cold as being emotional.
95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."
96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.
97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV.
98. You really think Marilyn Manson maims animals on stage.
99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.
100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.
101. You own a skateboard.
102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.
103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.
104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.
105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.
106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)
107. You say "y'all."
108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other Kerrang bands.
109. Whenever your parents or other adultsare around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.
110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least forty yearsold.
111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."
112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.
113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.
114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt.
115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a Kerrang nerd and foolishly try to fight them.
116. You think people who don't like Kerrang don't buy it because they can't understand it.
117. You think people who don't like Kerrang can't take "hard music."
118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.
119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER."
120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."
121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.
122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.
123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.
124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.
125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.
126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.
127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album. 
128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol. 
129. You obstinately deny the influence of Kerrap in Kerrang even though many of the bands claim Kerrap influence.
130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.
131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.



Written by spakyle . (Link to this entry)
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-watch those baggy pants and backwards baseball caps kids \m/ -l-

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

Another church burning?

Um, to many people have read Lords of Chaos and taken Varg too seriously.

Australian Church Arsonist Blames Norwegian Black Metal Hero - May 4, 2005 Australia's TheAge.com.au is reporting that a devoted follower of a Scandinavian band notorious for its heavy metal anti-Christian music burnt down a majestic Moonee Ponds church in a multimillion-dollar arson attack.

Novak Majstorovic (photo) had drunken visions of the 107-year-old Ascot Vale Uniting Church being responsible for society's problems with law, ethics and morality.

Majstorovic, 19, admitted his passion for the band BURZUM, whose lead singer was allegedly involved in burning down numerous Norwegian churches in the 1990s, helped create a heavy metal ideological imagery based on good and evil.

"It can be explained through any real meanings, you know, but using God and Satan is just like a... it's an image," he told police after his arrest.

Victorian arson squad detectives treated Majstorovic as a suspect after investigations revealed his interest in BURZUM and "black metal" music and culture.

Police learnt the band's lead singer Varg Vikernes, now in jail for murder, was commonly referred to as a Satanist, but was regarded more as deeply anti-Christian and anti-Semitic.

Majstorovic on Wednesday (May 4) appeared in the Melbourne Magistrates Court to plead guilty to arson and burglary from the fire in Maribyrnong Road, Moonee Ponds, on August 29, 2004.

His lawyer Shannon Dellamarta said the damage was valued at more than $3 million.

In a summary tendered to the court, the church, widely used by its local community, was described as majestic and ornate. Its irreplaceable pipe organ and historic records were destroyed in the fire.

Majstorovic, who had drunk half a bottle of bourbon, had earlier left a party, telling guests he was going to burn the church. After entering, he lit Bibles, scrap paper, books and flags near the pulpit and left.

Asked days later by Detective Sergeant Andrew Kerr if he considered the elderly who had cried over the church or what it had stood for, Majstorovic replied: "It was what it stood for, but it's... it's just an object, you know. It's just a building. Faith lies with the individual."

Pressed by Sergeant Kerr about it being sacred and a "heart and soul of things", he said that the church "doesn't like people to cling to any sort of idols here on earth".

Majstorovic said that because he was drunk and near a church he thought he would act on an ideological belief the church was responsible for society's problems.

"A lot of the concepts of my ideologies and stuff would, sort of, stem from heavy metal, from the imagery of heavy metal, from the metaphors that heavy metal uses with the, like, Christian sort of metaphors of good and evil and such," he said.

Magistrate Lisa Hannan bailed Majstorovic, of Hoppers Crossing, to appear in the County Court on August 23.

 

That was from blabbermouth.net. so dissefected youth in Europe burn down churches, here in the USA depressed, alienated youth kill classmates. LMAO.

I can imagine that kid who burned down a church, "Tzza, this ones for Jerry Falwell"..:sarcasm rolls eyes:.

Hey kid, get some help, but I see your point, '"throws him the lighter". Wait I need that lighter for a stogie, fuck u.

I'm in quite a mood today,I say, kill YOURSELF, I'm far more prone to that.

Well anyway, I'm back in my house after my lock stuck again. Ugh, Ghettoborook SUUCKS.

Tee-Stay Brutal-Stay SANE. \m/  -l-

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

more rules for all you kids into heavy music.

Thanks to Live4metal.com. for these "rules" :sarcasm: of heavy music. The next few journal entries will be dedicated to these RULES, lmao. ENJOY, and don't pee your pants laughing at this. Tee-Stay Metal-Stay Brutal-\m/

131 Rules of a Kerrang Kid
Bastardized by Pete

1. Your hair is dyed a colour that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
3. You think ICP is funny. 
4. You think Korn is a metal band. 
5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.
6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison. 
7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face. 
8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore. 
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync". 
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands. 
13. You call things "the shit."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson. 
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus. 
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you! 
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image. 
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music." 
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot. 
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X. 
24. You say some rap is good. 
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name. 
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You knowwho Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre. 
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head. 
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien. 
32. You think death metal is Satanic. 
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Kerrang simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness. 
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album. 
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!! 
37. You consider the black album "old Metallica". 
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label. 
39. HMV meets all of your music needs. 
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool. 
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed. 
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video. 
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars. 
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public. 
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV. 
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap. 
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it. 
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were". 
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain. 
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy. 
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64. 
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude." 
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't. 
56. You think punk rock was started by Sum 41 
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it. 
58. You look like Fred Durst. 
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry. 
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL. 
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums. 
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit." 
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs. 
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on. 
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead. 
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it. 
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks. 
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight." 
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band. 
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band. 
71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-nu metal sites (with bad grammar and obscene language, of course). 
72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist. 
73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your maths teacher tells you to "knock it off!" 
74. Every time a new Kerrang band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at HMV.
75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans. 
76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot. 
77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.
78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.
79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.
80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.
81. Your hair is more colours than a hippie's shirt.
82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.
83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.
84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.
85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."
86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.
87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.
88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.
89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.
90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.
91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.
92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.
93. You've hit a "gravity bong."
94. You think of Cold as being emotional.
95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."
96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.
97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV.
98. You really think Marilyn Manson maims animals on stage.
99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.
100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.
101. You own a skateboard.
102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.
103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.
104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.
105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.
106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)
107. You say "y'all."
108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other Kerrang bands.
109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.
110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least forty yearsold.
111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."
112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.
113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.
114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt.
115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a Kerrang nerd and foolishly try to fight them.
116. You think people who don't like Kerrang don't buy it because they can't understand it.
117. You think people who don't like Kerrang can't take "hard music."
118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.
119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER."
120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."
121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.
122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.
123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.
124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.
125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.
126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.
127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album. 
128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol. 
129. You obstinately deny the influence of Kerrap in Kerrang even though many of the bands claim Kerrap influence.
130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.
131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.

More Metal Humor-101 Rules of Extreme Metal

101 Rules of Extreme Metal
not the best one we've found, but does contain a few classics.....

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme. 
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off. 
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens. 
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable. 
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme). 
06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music). 
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover. 
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm) 
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist. 
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in. 
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type. 
12. Refer to 1 
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc. 
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'. 
15. Wear black. Always. 
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band. 
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again. 
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item. 
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings' 
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon. 
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour. 
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity). 
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'. 
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough). 
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds. 
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors) 
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc. 
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport. 
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year. 
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars. 
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...) 
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal). 
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project' 
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them. 
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way. 
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do). 
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't). 
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible 
39. Play the bass without a plectrum. 
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme. 
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female. 
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire' 
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals. 
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth. 
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth. 
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme. 
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed. 
48. Resurrect ****ty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the ****tiest possible production (by referring to rule 33). 
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'. 
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'. 
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand. 
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again. 
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme. 
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule. 
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth. 
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's. 
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere. 
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them). 
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name). 
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps. 
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail 
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer. 
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets. 
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest. 
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums. 
65. Head bang until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme. 
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably. 
67. Refer to 1. 
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction. 
69. Join your wife's band. 
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle. 
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, sothat viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white). 
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl). 
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe. 
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves. 
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead. 
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme. 
77. Record a Slayer cover. 
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band. 
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band. 
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies. 
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom. 
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off. 
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal. 
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world". 
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled. 
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's. 
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God. 
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that). 
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue. 
90. Wait, rules are for pussies. 
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience. 
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance. 
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album. 
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour. 
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal. 
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missile/Axe/Torpedo' Smith". 
97.Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a **** print. 
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws. 
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely. 
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'. 
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

 

Death Black Metal Lingo 101

:57:19 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Iron Maiden-Number of the Beast Edit Entry Delete Entry METAL LINGO 101
Death and Black metal lingo and humor 101:
DAMN JOURNAL ENTRY IS SPELLCHECKED, HAILS -l- 
OWNS- As in King Diamond OWNS you nu metal, mall core posers. All encompassing, superior.
OWNED-OR Powned-when you've been dissed, or dismissed as a poser, loser, retard or idiot.
BRUTAL or BROOTAL (for NYers)-The epitome of heaviness, anti christian darkness and brutality. Based upon double bass, blastbeats, death vocals, and thrash, grind, death metal riffage, played with frenetic SPEED. An attitude for extreme metal heads.
RIFFAGE-Good riffs that build upon one another, catchy, but non repetitive riffs. Well written riffs.
GRIM-Serious,dark, angry, brutal. Metaphor for good Scandinavian black metal. An attitude for black metal fans.
CRUSHES-See owns, also KILLS.
KVLT-Describes the best of underground black metal, The most genuine and obscure of underground BM, as only 5 people own these bands out of print releases. Bands with a KVLT following tend to avoid commercial trappings as commercial success if frowned upon. KVLT death and black metal tend to avoid populism, mass appeal, and trends.
TRUE or TROO (for NYer's)-The most genuine, and honest in all of Scandinavian black metal. IE Cradle Of Filth are NOT "troo" black metal compared to the more underground and KVLT bands like Impaled Nazarene.Black metal that is raw, anti christian, hateful,minimalist,EVIL, about the destruction of humanity, and misanthropic.                                                        
UNTROO or UNBLACK-Black metal that is NOT raw, minimilastic with commercial elements such as melodic keyboards and clean vocals.Phony, Fake. Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of filth are UNTROO. Religious metal with a black metal sound.
GEY-  Politically incorrect terminology for music that completely SUCKS IE Licoln Park (Stinkin Park), rap, mainstream or nu metal bands.
ELITIST-Death, gore grind, black, thrash, doom metal fans that own and trade obscure mp3's, CD's, demos' from unsigned bands or obscure indie extreme metal bands. Any "popular" or mainstream band in any genre of music is frowned upon as not "troo" by eltists. The trend is the anti trend. Deicide would be seen as too mainstream by death metal eltists as well as the Gothenburg trend of melodic death metal-IE Soilwork, In Flames are also to mainstream.. A Troo metal elitist would know whom Gorguts and Gore Trade are compared to Dimmu Borgir fans.Extreme metal NOT signed to MAJOR indies, people whom are critically of cookie cutter, generic bands of al metal genres. Elitists can be seen as annoying, self righteous, nerdy, but cutting edge, LOYAL to underground/groundbreaking bands with minimal success that don't get MTV, or radio airplay. Elitists have often "heard it first" or "heard it all before" a genre or trend of music becomes popular.
MALL CORE, MALL GOTHS-Derogatory term for KiDZ whOm WrIte LiKe Dis, (wiggers who couldn't cut in the hood)buy their clothes at Hot Topic, and whom musical tastes are dictated by MTV or EMPTV. Kids whom dress in black because it is "trendy' and listen to Marilyn Manson whom are either ADD, or on Prozac. Lock them in a room and make them listen to REM's Shiny Happy People.Mallcore is a term for commercial nu metal, hardcore or metal core, or extreme metal that has sold out.. Music and attitude dictated by trends as death/black metal heads HATE them. MALL CORE and MALL GAWTHS think they are being different and trend setting but are really conforming to non conformity. MALL CORE=NOT metal, or BAD metal or hard, commercially accessible rock, POSER..
CORE-Metalcore, hardcore or any thing derived from punk or hardcore. NOT considered troo metal, but a third rate derivative of bad thrash riffs in metal core.Not encompassing the morbid humor, and the beauty of darkness. Derived from punk, with sometimes the most generic "metal" riffs. Hardcore is derived from a punk asthetic with songs about personal strength, scene/community unity, with screamed vocals,fast drum pace and breakdowns to induce moshing. Yo, YoU NeEd to WriTE a BreAkdown so I cOuld MoSh YO.
GOTHENBORE-OR GOTHEBURG MELODIC SWEDISH DEATH METAL-The genre was genuinely founded by great bands such as At the Gates, Dismember, Grave, Carcass ect.Those Swedes are being ripped off as they wouldn't compromise thier musical integrity 10 years ago or broke up.  Commercially accessible melodic metal with elements of death and thrash. Is easily integrated with hardcore, metal core and nu metal. Underground Death metal elitists view  "Gothenbore" as "pop metal with a cold", too trendy, accessible, and not underground or groundbreaking. Biggest crossover melodic swedish metal culprits: Messhuggah, In Flames, Soilwork, Arch Enemy all seen as not brutal, and sell outs and to melodic.Too many At The Gates clones in the metal core scene as well. Death and black metal elttists HATE Gothenbore bands.
HAILS-Black metal salute or salutations specifically in Norway, and Scandinavian countries.  For those whom are "troo".
GRIMLINE-Death and black metal gossip, as in "I heard it on the GRIMLINE" instead of grapevine.
-l- Inverted cross- an email/online salutation for "troo" metal heads, anti religous humans.
\m/ Devil horns in online format. Metal head online Salutation.
DEATH METAL- A Progression of thrash, with blast beats, growled vocals, speed. Thematically dark, morbid, imagery of human decay, DEATH, and destruction,illegible band logos, Morbid, dark, gothic,satanic lyrical themes.The Death metal genre was founded by bands such as Possessed, Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, Suffocation, Cryptopsy ect.
BLACK METAL-Minimalist Scandinavian (viking) thrash metal. Metal, with anti christian themes, world destruction, misanthropic, satanic, unholy themes.BM is set to thrashy, speed laden metal with black metal, raspy screamed vocals.Bullet belts, corpse paint, arm spikes and gaunlets are all a part of BM wear. BM prides itself on bad production, on a out dated Viking heritage, and pagan philosophy. The genre of black metal was founded by Norwegian artists such as Mayhem, Bathory, Venom, Dissection, Darkthrone, Xasther ect.
COOKIE MONSTER VOCALS-Growled vocals as in imitating one of the Muppets "cookie Monsterrr", gutteral, incomprehensible, death metal vocals. also known as vomit vox..
VOKILLS-Black Metal slang for raspy black metal screams.
GRIND OR GRINDCORE- A mixture of fast metal, with elements of death/thrash/ and sometimes hardcore or punk. Napalm Death or old DRI or the pioneers in this genre.
THRASH-Metal, played to higher level of speed, with staccato, fast riffs. An upgrade from hardcore with moslty elements of metal.Clean and screamed vocals. Slayer, Kreator, Destruction. OLD Metallica,Exodus, Testament, Possessed or pioneers in this scene.ALSO SPEED METAL, as speed metal tends to be less melodic, and focuses on speed rather than out right songwriting.
DOOM-Metal played slow, without blastbeats, without speed, with both death, clean, and and screamed vocals for a more emotional, mesmerizing, melancholy, depressing, sad effect.. Doom is denoted by SLOW, repititive riffs. Like a beauty in darkness, one is not so alone in their depression. CandleMass,Entombed, Black Sabbath, My Dying Bride, Skepticism, are all doom laden bands ALSO melodic DOOM=Ala Kalmah, as one could add folk elements, violins to European doom.Black Sabbath started the DOOM genre with a dark asthetic and scared (thankfully) the hippies.
BLASTBEATS-Snare rolls, and snare drum patterns played very, very FAST, with double bass rythyms up 300-400 bpm. Blastbeats are a progression of hardcore, thrash beats, and are moslty performed by death/black and extreme metal bands.
DOOM STONER-Doom, played slow, with a metallic/psychedelic feel..SAINT VITUS,. PENTAGRAM SLEEP started it all, all other bands are rpin off BLACK SABBATH.
DEATHCORE-An offshoot of the NYDM (New York Death metal scene), hoods up, tough guy hardcore with genric, death metal rifs. Internal suffering are "originators" of this genre for better or worse.
NORSECORE-Hmm, controversial genre (better known as blackcore), a combo of European hardcore with a black metal aesthetic.
BLOWS GOATS-Metal chat slang for sucks. As in "That band blows goats"..
PROGRESSIVE METAL-Founded on the back of the classic progressive rock movement of Yes, Genesis, ect.thrash metal with technical musicianship, Progressive metal bands such as Dream Theater, Symphony X,  Iced Earth, are fore runners in this genre.
NU METAL-A combo of generic American hard rock with hardcore chugging "riffs", with rap, techno, industrial,.thrown in there. Nu Metal features hip hop fashion aesthetics, downtuned guitars, baggy pants, piercings, and ugh. Korn, Slipknot, Mudvayne, are forerunners in this genre. Nu Metal is the 90's version of hair metal or glam bands, and should be abolished ASAP.
NU BLACK METAL-Bands with symphonic tendencies, and keybaord saturated black metal or/and commercial European metal from a black metal atheistic. Cradle Of Filth, Dimmu Borgir are foreruners in this sub genre. These bands are also known as the back street boys of metal. Mot to say I haven't liked these bands at some point earlier in their career.
TECH/DEATH-My fave genre. Very technical playing, with progressive elements such as math metal, death, grind, ect. Cryptopsy, Necrophagist, Ion Dissonance (whom are tech/math grind), , CYNIC, Psycroptic, Nueraxis, Origin, Atheist, Spawn of Possession are for runners in this genre.
SLAM DEATH-Death metal played with a groove, founded by the NYDM (New York Death Metal Scene). As Suffocation have progressed, NYDM bands such as, Pyrexia  and LIVIDITY have taken over the groove laden slam death throne. Fun death metal to mosh too, in the old school sensibility.
FLORIDA DEATH-You should ALL know these bands. Bands that originated from Florida whom have helped to found American death metal: Cannibal Corpse (originally from Buffalo), Deicide, Morbid Angel, Malevolent, Creation ect.Hate Eternal, ect.
NYDM-New York Death Metal; founded by such bands as Suffocation, Immolation, Pyrexia, Mortal Decay, ect. IE: slam death.
METALCORE-a combo of hardcore asthetics, and hardcore DIY ethics and attitude with thrash riffs ala At The Gates, with a Gothenburgh Swedish Death influence. Unearth,  The Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall are forerunners in this sub genre.Thankfully this trend is dying.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST BLACK METAL-NSBM-To be avoided if non racist. (I AM non racist, non fascist), Racist, nazi, fascist black metal Burzum, Graveland, Zykon B, ect. I will find a list of NSBM bands so you know what to avoid if you are humanistic or politically correct. Despite political points of view, being NS does not discredit these bands a musicians, BUT I can think of a zilion and one bands that are better whom don't involve themselves with nazi's or fascist, or racists..
POWER METAL-Ugh, bands that sing in falsetto's, and dress like thiey are straight out of a dungeons and dragons role playing game. Hammerfall are the cheesiest of this genre, along with Nevermore ect.
That's it for now, maybe more later, Stay Metal and Stay Brutal-\m/ -l-
BLACKENED/DEATH METAL: PORTAL, DEATHSPELL OMEGA and many more bands integrate the dark atmosphere of black metal with minimalstic death metal. Harder to pull off than you think.