Tuesday, September 11, 2007

For closure

:Reading the last few journal entries: Why is this the RIP (last few journal entries) page? :shakes head:..Today is September 11th btw, boo, hiss, ick, ouch, arrggh.

My knee is killing me today, must be the damp weather fucking with my joints.

The last few days, I've grown hair just wondering why the last few journal entries are mostly RIP's, specifically the one about my freinds suicide.. From shock,to utter disbelief, to vomiting, to crying while I'm alone, to not wanting to be alone,compassion, to utter anger, to this surreal feeling..I figured, this yeears ago: A freind of mine gave me a stereo system , it doesn't work (wasn't fully functional when he gave it to me), and I'm not putting any money into repairing it. So the stereo wastes space in my apartment. I was thinking, in my fustration, that perhaps I could go out to an open field or wooded area, with a baseball bat, and lay waste to this stereo system, after all, it's mine, it 's broke, and arrrggg, in my anger and rage. I'm too lazy to do that..

I had a nightmare 2 weeks ago about my cat Spakyle who had to be put to sleep becuase she had inoperable cancer.. In my nightmare I was looking for my cat in NYC (where the cat lived with my mom). I had the cat cage, but no cat. I asked everyone, "Have you seen my cat?", and I was getting upset in my nightmare. Untill I found my cat dead, people we're standing around my cat's body, as I threw everyone off my cat, and then woke up from my nightmare.

I'm back to my regulary scheduled life, LIFE being the operative word, and living it to the fullest.. This may sound cheesy, but there is nothing WRONG with saying "Hey, I like you, and I love you" to someone. After all, you never know if it will be last time you'll see them again.

In this generation of reveling in self hatred and destruction, it's not a bad idea to love, and respect your self and others. It's seems so hard for people these days.It seems "trendy" to be a nihlistic,explotive, self centered, narcissicist, ASSHOLE. So it's ok and METAL to make a promise to feel better, take care of your self.. Promise to your self and others to feel better (without exploiting others).

I hope to return this journal back to it's metal purpose in a few days. Thanks-Stay Metal, Brutal and alive \m/ -l-

Friday, September 7, 2007

ITP V.06 and V.07 ONLY ONE PER COFFIN: R.I.P. Jay La valle and Jason A. Koziatek

(Pic above: J-Bone and Jay Lavalle-J and J) I'm all sorts of angry, sick and confused right now, and I PROMISE I'll get around to writing a "Notes from the Extreme Metal Underground" journal entry later. However, a very sad event went down yesterday here in New Paltz, NY.
At midnight, while getting a pack of cigarettes I found out the horrible news:
Well everyone I know has got a reason to say
Put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand.
-Third Eye Blind
(You ever hear a song on the radio, and you hated the band for years, but due to circumstances the lyrics hit home 10 years later? :Looks up at Third Eye Blind lyrics:)



All of you in New Paltz, NY, you must have known Jay La valle. I lost a dear friend and kindred spirit as Jay committed suicide in New Paltz, NY yesterday. Jay was a good dude, resident metal head, could talk about Mayhem, Slayer, Burzum, the book Lords of Chaos, Ministry, Misfits, Dead Kennedy's was always down for a drink in the bar, and would buy you one at that. Jay Lavalle was an intelligent kid with great potential, good humor, and understood social political issues... In the last 2 years, Jay Lavalle was trying his best to be a responsible man, prioritize his life and hold on to the values that he held dear, while helping others do the same.
Very much like J-Bone, New Paltz, NY won't be the same without Jay La valle. I know that Jay was trying his best to stay out of trouble and do the right thing despite all of the adversity, as I respect and always encouraged that. Life is always a struggle, and I always enjoyed talking to Jay..
This is the 4th suicide in the Hudson Valley area, two of whom I knew, and the 4th death I've had to deal with in 10 months. Arrgg..
PLEASE, think NOTHING of checking your self in to your local psych ward if you feel suicidal, give your self every chance you can, you are worth it.

Just because someone is depressed or suicidal, does not mean they are mentally ill, and just because someone is mentally ill, doesn't always mean they are depressed or suicidal. Here in Ulster County, NY (Kingston) Benedictine hospitals psych ward exists, with good doctors, counseling, social workers on staff that can help with combating mental illness, homelessness, substance and domestic abuse ect. Just ask at Family of New Paltz, and Benedictine's psych ward is 100% confidential, they can not confirm nor deny your admission. Here's how to get help, I'm not above anyone: Suicidal Thoughts: What to do

If you have thoughts of suicide, these options are available to you.

Call 1-800-273-TALK
Check yourself into the emergency room
Tell someone who can help you find help immediately and after an acute suicidal attack has passed.
Most people can be treated with a combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy. A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or psychiatrist.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE

The following options might be used:

Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
Look in your local Yellow Pages under Mental Health and/or Suicide Prevention; then call the mental health organizations/crisis phone lines that are listed. There may be clinics or counseling centers in your area operating on a sliding fee scale. Your local hospital(s) may also have resource information.
Some pharmaceutical companies have "Free Medication Programs" for those who qualify. Visit the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill website at www.nami.org for more information.

RIP Jay Lavalle
\M/etal, Ministry, Slayer, Burzum, King Diamond, Misfits, Dead Kenney's, Tequila, Bailey (the dogs) and the puppies, $3.50 pitchers and much love and condolences to Jay La valle's friends and family.
Thanks--Stay Metal, Stay Brutal, Stay ALIVE ..\m/ -l-

Obituary from Copeland Funeral Home: Mr. Jason La ValleMarch 19, 1978 - September 06, 2007

Jason D. La Valle, age 29, of New Paltz died Thursday, September 6, 2007 at Benedictine Hospital, Kingston.

He was born March 19, 1978 in Poughkeepsie, NY the son of Russell P. La Valle and Rachele M. Topol.

He was a local chef.

He is survived by his mother and step-father, Rachele and step-father Robert Ottens, New Paltz, father and step mother, Russell La Valle and step mother Robin Cohen-La Valle of New Paltz, NY; grandfather, Salvatore La Valle of New Paltz, NY; Aunt, Karen Topol of Boca Raton, FL;; Uncle, Robert and wife Bonnie La Valle of Hillsdale, MI; Uncle, Stephen and wife Jean La Valle of Manorville, NY; Uncle & Aunt, Russell and Beth Ottens of Tifton, GA, Cousin, Dylan Topol of Boca Raton, FL and Rita and Dorris Ottens and Tom Chapman, girlfriend Nicole M. (Nikki) Wright, New Paltz.

A memorial service will be held on Monday, September 10, 2007, at 7:00 PM at Copeland Funeral Home, Inc., 162 South Putt Corners Road, New Paltz. Cremation will be at Cedar Hill Cemetery, Newburgh. Donations may be made to Dutchess County SPCA, 636 Violet Ave., Hyde Park, NY 12538.
RIP JAY LA VALLE-MISS YOU-\m/



 Jason A. Koziatek PASSED AWAY 11/30/2006 :
Last Wednesday night, a local community mainstay passed away to suicide...J Bone,.a long time community member since at least the early 90's in New Paltz, NY was a hell of a nice guy, traveling all over with his various dogs (Smeagle the Beagle, and his most recent dog Rosa and her puppies) New Paltz, NY always being his grounding area....I stumbled out of my apartment to get a burger at Burger King..... Family of New Paltz Youth Outreach's van was parked outside Burger King, and an outreach member was inside talking to a friend of mine who worked there. The out reach member said something about an "autopsy" and then I got worried, confused, not knowing what's going on.. The Burger King employee/friend then told me that J Bone had taken his own life, and even after I bought that burger, I couldn't eat it.... I walked downtown as many friends of mine had confirmed J Bones death, and of course by then I had broken down into tears. .Thursday night, on our little "stoop" in New Paltz, NY we had a make shift memorial with candles, and everything. People wrote their thoughts and condolences in chalk on the sidewalk..New Paltz, NY, among it's beautiful landscape and mountain ridge features the Walkill River. The Walkill river happens to be one of the few rivers that runs North instead of South. Only two or three rivers in the world run north including the mighty Nile river...It is legend that once you come to New Paltz, NY you'll never want to leave... As I read the thoughts and condolences in chalk, one person wrote "Jay you can always come back" and I choked up..Jay Bone was clearly among friend's in New Paltz, NY wanting to help others, and helping, understanding, learning to live and love. Sometimes those feelings of depression and despair are very intense and overwhelming, and believe me I've been there, as I had/ have my problems... However, choosing suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem as with life experience, those problems can be resolved..It is easy to say that suicide is "selfish" and the pain left behind for surviving friends and family are very intense as well..... However, I don't think J Bone meant to hurt anyone with his decision to end his life, but.....I'm not in denial, it does hurt plenty of people...I can't imagine New Paltz, NY without J Bone and his doggie Rosa, it feels like an empty void... I always knew that New Paltz, NY is alright when J Bone is around, a sort of comfortable, safe feeling, specifically on the street/stoop.. . J Bone gave away his wonderful dog, and his precious possessions shortly before his death, often that is a sign that someone is making a decision to leave, perhaps taking their own life..It's hard to accept love, when there are circumstances beyond our control, and in essence the carnal need to survive, and the will to want to live, and feel better..It's hard, and there are no guarantees in life, but life and the human condition can be stabilized.I'm not trying to get up on a soap box here, but while mental help services are being cut, there are still some services out there... A damn good psych ward here in Ulster County with a good team of doctors, good food and confidentiality still exists, and let's keep it that way..(Did you read in the news papers about the forced merger between Kingston and Benedictine hospitals, something about either merge or close down?-Please keep the same, quality services or upgrade, PLEASE!)..Most psychologists/psychiatrists know only about how 10% of the brain works.. I learned (through my own difficult experience) that serotonin is the chemical in the brain/and the stomach that controls mood, emotion and depression... . Checking your head if you feel suicidal is a GOOD thing.....Despite stereotypes about these difficult issues, it doesn't mean you're a bad person as perhaps it could be the first day of the rest of your life..J Bone was a community member, great stand up guy, very unselfish and giving person and man whom stood on principle..J Bone had also roadied for many tours and venues and I'm sure he did a great job. J Bone, a community member leaves behind many friends,family, a gorgeous dog... There have been memorial services for J Bone all weekend. A benefit show to raise funds so J Bone can have a proper burial is scheduled for tonight.... Funeral services for J Bone are tomorrow in New Paltz, NY..Condolences go out to all of J Bones friends and family... Thanks to Family of New Paltz for the understanding..R.I.P. J Bone..If you feel you want to confidentially check your head, which in itself doesn't mean that you are mentally ill or not always DIS functional, but either way, getting help is a light at the end of the often dark tunnel of life.... Here is some info passed along by a friend: Suicidal Thoughts: What to do

If you have thoughts of suicide, these options are available to you.

Call 1-800-273-TALK
Check yourself into the emergency room
Tell someone who can help you find help immediately and after an acute suicidal attack has passed.
Most people can be treated with a combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy. A suicidal person urgently needs to see a doctor or psychiatrist.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE INSURANCE

The following options might be used:

Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
Look in your local Yellow Pages under Mental Health and/or Suicide Prevention; then call the mental health organizations/crisis phone lines that are listed. There may be clinics or counseling centers in your area operating on a sliding fee scale. Your local hospital(s) may also have resource information.
Some pharmaceutical companies have "Free Medication Programs" for those who qualify. Visit the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill website at www.nami.org for more information.More about J-Bone from Copeland Funeral Home: Jason Koziatek
Jason A. Koziatek died early Thursday morning, November 30th in New Paltz, NY. Known to many as "J-Bone", Jason was born in New Brunswick, New Jersey on April 17, 1972. Although Jason had many careers, including working on stage crews, roofing, and steel working among others, his true calling was helping others in the constant pursuit of justice and social equality. He was a champion of the underdogs of the world, a brother to all, preoccupied at all times with being of service, creating unity, and protecting the vulnerable. One of his successes was to help revive the Anti-Racist Association in New Paltz, and to work tirelessly to transform the influx of bigotry into the town.

Never very concerned with the trappings of everyday life, Jason traveled often, always a dog at his heels, always heading toward a place where his fist and only mission would be to find the fragments in the underground community and attempt to repair them. He owned little, but what he had he would give away without even being asked. A profoundly compassionate man, Jason felt more deeply than was beneficial for him, and those who loved him were strapped in for an intense rollercoaster journey that was his signature.

Most will remember Jason's eyes, the bluest blue imaginable, watching us with admiration, or at times with scorn, as we fulfilled or did not fulfill his wishes for us. He pierced us with his words, tattooed us with his love, leaving us always altered, never ever the same creature after any of his many departures.

A service will be held on Monday, December 4th at Copeland Funeral Home, 162 South Putt Corners Road in New Paltz. Visiting hours will be from 5-7, with a service at 7:00 P.M. Jason had very little, and donations to pay for his final arrangements will be appreciated. They can be made to his mother, Lanette, or directly to Copeland Funeral Home. A memorial fundraiser will also be held at Snug Harbor on Main Street on Sunday, December 3rd beginning at 5:00 P.M. In addition, a memorial bench is expected to be permanently fixed in New Paltz's Community Gardens in memory of Jason and dedicated to his tribe, the Lost Kub Pack. Donations for this tribute to J-Bone.(BTW, it seemed like 150 people showed up to J Bones funeral, as many traveled from far and wide for this personal closure..I'm sure J Bone would have appreciated it..

UPDATE: 2/13/2014: Didn't realize this until now, sowee, I'm thankful to NOT live in New Paltz, NY anymore.  Seven years later a memorial bench for Jason A. Koziatek at the community gardens in New Paltz, NY.  It doesn't get any easier,  as in retrospect, alot of bad memories at that time and New Paltz, NY never treated me nor JASON very well.
Just like New Paltz, NY., as deep as a puddle, to cover up the issues here, suicide prevention and drug, mental health and alcohol abuse issues, shame on New Paltz, and never forgiven. NO, J-BONE can't help you, alive or dead.
Considering  a suicide just 9 months after J-Bones death, a mutual friend JAY LAVALLE took his own life as well, I hope that J-Bones decision didn't affect Jay Lavalle's. In essence, I would NOT reward him for (J-BONE) for being a "leaver" (Although I understand what he was going through, I'm still angry at J-Bones circumstances, generosity is an awesome quality, as some people need help in ways they can't understand and J-BONE can't help them) nor glamorize suicide and it's effects on friends and family.    
However, I am going to say this, LUDWIG MONTESA needs a bench as that young man never gave up, never gave in, and never self destructed, as LUDWIG MONTESA shouldn't have to suffer like that, LUDWIG is spoken for, "the dammit, I should have gone back to hug LUDWIG guilt" will always be there..In fact, I had never seen LUDWIG more verbal, and reactionary as after J-BONE and JAY LAVALLE suicides.
Keep in mind, death is permanent, you CAN'T always come back, and that is indeed heart breaking.
FUCK THE CIRCUMSTANCES, FUCK NEW PALTZ, FUCK SUBSTANCE ABUSE, FUCK MENTAL ILLNESS and FUCK SUICIDE.
SURVIVE..   
A granite memorial bench will be permanently installed in the New Paltz Gardens for Nutrition along the Wallkill River. Carl Welden will be officiating and there will be an opportunity for loved ones to share memories.
Jason helped a lot of people, although he was not able to save himself. Please come out to celebrate the permanent contributions he made to New Paltz and to our lives. Please bring pictures, drawings, and stories.


https://www.facebook.com/events/197594343727772/







11/29/2016: Ways to pay positive tribute to J-BONE:
*Start a community, and fight for equality and inclusiveness and multicultural unity.
*Start a local ARA (Anti Racist Action Group and LGBTQ inclusiveness).
* Help others whom are struggling, a warm hand to local resources.
*Adopt a dog, cat or pet.
*Start a band unify the world with art
*Check your head
*Don't drink too mutch and don't use drugs, stay sober, and make a commitment to recovery. 
*Support each other, show compassion and empathy.
 *Survive
J-BONE will always be remembered and he is missed.



Stay Metal, Stay Brutal, Stay Sane, and Stay Alive- Thanks-Tee (Now excuse me, as I need my privacy) \m/ -l-
I don't think you trust, in, my,
Self-righteous suicide-SYSTEM OF A DOWN