Saturday, January 31, 2009

R.I.P. MIKE KEMP (Madd Dog, DeadBeats ect.)




It's been a long month, and I'm sorry about the lateness of this sad news. I had heard rumors during the last week that local musician Mike Kemp died and while keeping my composure, I was in denial, until someone confirmed the sad news.
Local musician (bass player) Mike Kemp passed away in his sleep (heart attack) on 1/24/09.
Mike Kemp was an awesome bass player, sweet, sensitive, laid back guy, with great presence and talent. Mike Kemp has jammed and performed with such local/regional and national musicians as the Grateful Dead Cover band DEADBEATS, Dean Scala Band, Jeremy Baum Trio, Murali Coryell, Madd Dog and many others.
"Mike Bass" as I called him was a very laid back and personable guy, the kind of man that you would just gravitate to, and regardless of musical genre, would talk to you about music and life, and before you knew it, I was in the presence of some great jazz musicians, and awestruck of the awesome talent and Mike Kemp's humble nature. I haven't seen Mike Kemp in a while as he explained to me a few years ago that he was now situated in Wappingers Falls, NY. However, I enjoyed convo with Mike Kemp, as he introduced me to a great African American jazz drummer whom blew me away, whom used old school verbage such as "jamming with those cats".
I'm absolutely shocked, stunned and heartbroken at the sad news of Mike Kemp's untimely death and we send condolences out to Mike Kemps friends and family. Mike Kemp is much appreciated as a kindred spirit, sweet chivalrous man and talented musician, as Mike will never be forgotten. It aint the same without Mike Kemp.
RIP Mike Kemp, keep on jamming \m/
FROM THE POUGKEEPSIE JOURNAL:

Michael W. Kemp
WAPPINGERS FALLS - Michael W. Kemp, 32, a local resident of Wappingers Falls since 1977, formerly of the Bronx, died Saturday, Jan. 24, 2009 in the Town of Poughkeepsie. Mr. Kemp was a music teacher for Alto Music and also was a musician who played with local and national music groups. Born on Aug. 15, 1976 in the Bronx, he was the son of the Robert and Joan Fahy Kemp. In addition to his parents, he is also survived by his twin brother, Robert J. Kemp of New Paltz; his sisters, Carolyn Sutton and Joe Collucci of Wappingers Falls; Maureen Reel; his brother, Paul O'Brien; his sister, Joan Foran and her husband, Michael; and several nieces and nephews. Calling hours will be 2-4 and 7-9 p.m., Wednesday, at the Delehanty Funeral Home, 64 E. Main St., Wappingers Falls. Funeral services will be at 10 a.m., Thursday, at the funeral home. Burial will be in Wappingers Rural Cemetery, in the Spring.

Published on January 27, 2009.
FROM PLOCHMANN LANE (Blogspot) AND MADD DOG's MYSPACE:
The Dutchess County (NY)-based band Mad Dogg has lost a great man. He left us this past Saturday (01/24/09) due to a heart attack. This blog message is posted on the band's MySpace page:


FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

DELEHANTY FUNERAL HOME

64 E. MAIN ST

WAPPINGERS FALLS N.Y. 12590

(845) 297-2640

THE WAKE WILL BE WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON 2:00 TO 4:00 AND WEDNESDAY EVENING 7:00 TO 9:00

THE FUNERAL WILL BE A SMALL SERVICE THURSDAY MORNING AT THE FUNERAL HOME AROUND 10:00

IF ANYBODY IS AN ORDAINED MINISTER - MIKE WAS PROTESTANT - AND WOULD LIKE TO DO THE SERVICE- CALL ME A.S.A.P. AT (845) 721 3618 (MIKE THE DRUMMER)
FROM MADD DOG ON MYSPACE:

BIG MIKE KEMP

Thank you to everyone who came out to show their love for Big Mike Kemp The wake last night was – in Mikes words – TREMENDOUS!!. The family – especially the parents, who have been residing in Florida for the past 10 to 12 years was very impressed that so many people –from all walks of life – braved the nasty weather – ice – and rain for the chance to pay their last respects to a man who had obviously touched so many lives!!. People were lined up past the post office at one point- nobody leaving in spite of the elements. I am guessing at well over a modest 700 people attended. The .bike clubs represented were The Bishop’s. Dutchess M.C , Riding Free , and even some brothers from A Few Good Men made the funeral. We had law enforcement officers from Wappingers –Town of Poughkeepsie And the Sheriffs office there . If I missed any bike clubs – or law enforcement groups, my apologies – I went by the colors that I saw and the faces that I recognized – no disrespect intended

AS far as musicians – I was amazed myself. The list is too extensive to even begin, coming from upstate , the city, all over the place. Mike was a special talent that will surely be missed – NOBODY SOLO’D LIKE BIG MIKE!!

Thank you to the people on the air who helped spread the news of this tragedy , and for the love – support and dedications that were sent out on Big Mike’s behalf.

.. ..

And now it’s time to start healing. We are still going to play at The Keltic House this Saturday, as a very good friend of Big Mike – Gil Cruz – requested to sit in and – not replace Mike, but in his words “do Big Mike Proud”. Gil is a good friend of Mike – had Big Mike living with him for awhile also , and is willing to help us carry on So Saturday night – come out to The Keltic House and let’s hoist a few in his honor.

.. ..

We are making plans to have big jam at one of the bars Big Mike loved. That will probably be towards the end of February , and all will be welcome ,but it will be geared for everyone that played with Big Mike. We are going to do it on a Sunday so that it will not conflict with too many gig schedules. I will give out more info on that as it happens but for now…..let's pick up the pieces and carry on like Big Mike would have wanted!!
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-RIP MIKE KEMP \m/ -l-

Thursday, January 29, 2009

SUFFOCATION ANNOUNCE BLOOD APOCALYPSE HEADLINING TOUR


New York Death Metal (NYDM) Gods SUFFOCATION are headlining a U.S. tour with WHITECHAPEL, DECREPIT BIRTH and VEIL OF MAYA and PSYCROPTIC. SUFFOCATION will also play select (festival) dates with CARCASS so prepare to be brutalized.
FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET: Commented drummer Mike Smith: "We are looking forward to this upcoming tour and playing with all the bands involved. It will be the first run on our 20-year celebration in the genre! We thank all our friends and fans in advance for their participation in the upcoming 'Blood Oath' sessions across the world. We look forward to the mayhem it will create!"

Confirmed dates so far:

With WHITECHAPEL, DECREPIT BIRTH, VEIL OF MAYA:

Mar. 11 - Long Island, NY - Crazy Donkey
Mar. 14 - Springfield, VA - Jaxx
Mar. 15 - Virginia Beach, VA - Masonic Temple
Mar. 16 - Wilmington, NC - The Soapbox
Mar. 17 - Raleigh, NC - Volume 11
Mar. 20 - Lafayetta, LA - Grant Street Hall
Mar. 21 - Ft. Worth, TX - Ridglea Theatre (w/ CARCASS, SUICIDE SILENCE)
Mar. 22 - Corpus Christi, TX - House of Rock
Mar. 24 - El Paso, TX - Chic's
Mar. 26 - Palmdale, CA - The Crossing
Mar. 27 - Phoenix, AZ - The Marquee Theatre

With WHITECHAPEL, DECREPIT BIRTH, VEIL OF MAYA, PSYCROPTIC:

Mar. 28 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove (California Metal Fest)
Mar. 29 - Sacramento, CA - The Boardwalk
Mar. 30 - Modesto, CA - Modesto Virtual
Apr. 02 - Colorado Springs, CO - The Black Sheep
Apr. 03 - Lubbock, TX - Tequila Jungle
Apr. 11 - Madison, WI - The Loft
Apr. 17 - Worcester, MA - New England Metalfest
Apr. 18 - Allentown, PA - Crocodile Rock
Also, U.S. death metal legends MONSTROSITY have announced a summer 2009 (July) U.S. summer tour with THORNAFIRE and TORN THE FUCK APART. MONSTROSITY has been one of the leaders of the US
Death Metal scene since the early 90's with hundreds of shows
worldwide. Their live show is nothing short of brutality at its finest.

We are now booking for their North American tour that will take place
from July 1st thru July 25th, 2009. Package is as follows..

MONSTROSITY (FL)
THORNAFIRE (CHILI)
TORN THE FUCK APART (KS)
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-\m/ -l-

CARCASS, SAMAEL, SUICIDE SILENCE, ARSIS, PSYCROPTIC ANNOUNCE MARCH 2009 U.S. TOUR


Move over CARCASS clones, the metal heads are hungry for the original. The CARCASS re- union is doing well, and CARCASS SHALL return to the USA.
FROM SMNNEWS.COM:
After the initial round of dates we released, reunited UK melo-death/gore-grind legends, CARCASS, will return to the United States this March for the “Exhumed to Consume II” tour. The follow up to last years highly successful “Exhume to Consume” tour will feature SUICIDE SILENCE, SAMAEL, ARSIS and PSYCROPTIC plus a few special guests on select dates.

Vocalist/bassist and all around optimistic person Jeff Walker commented:

“Well, I’m pleased to announce that CARCASS is gonna settle it’s unresolved scores in the U.S.! There was some slight whimpers of discontent that we didn’t hit some cities such as Chicago and Denver last time round - places that were always hot spots of enthusiasm for us. So we’re coming back in March to finish off our unsettled business! We seemed to have had a profound influence on your economy and gas prices have gotten cheaper haha! That’s doesn’t mean we’re not gonna come through and provide some value for your buck with some old (and new) school friends and comrades such as SUFFOCATION, SAMAEL, BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, EXODUS, SUICIDE SILENCE etc. - check out locally as for who is on the bill where! And hey, I couldn’t think of anywhere better to be on my 40th birthday than the Sunshine Theatre in Albuquerque, New Mexico! We promise this will be the last time we darken your shores (I said that with my fingers crossed behind my back)!”

March 13 - The Trocadero - Philadelphia, PA
March 14 - Peabody’s - Cleveland, OH (w/ ABIGAIL WILLIAMS)
March 15 - The Pearl Room - Mokena, IL (w/ THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER)
March 16 - Majestic Theater - Detroit, MI (w/ THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER)
March 17 - Headliner’s - Louisville, KY
March 21 - Ridglea Theater - Ft. Worth, TX (w/ SUFFOCATION)
March 22 - Meridian - Houston, TX
March 24 - Gothic Theatre - Denver, CO
March 25 - Sunshine Theatre - Albuquerque, NM
March 26 - The Grand Ballroom - San Francisco, CA (THE FACELESS, TOXIC HOLOCAUST)
March 27 - The Marquee Theatre - Phoenix, AZ (w/ SUFFOCATION)
March 28 - The Grove - Anaheim, CA (California Metal Fest)

In February of 1999, CARCASS drummer Ken Owen suffered a near-fatal brain hemorrhage, leaving him in a coma for over 10 months. As a result, he is not taking part in CARCASS‘ current reunion run (ARCH ENEMY skinsman Daniel Erlandsson is filling in), but will reportedly be traveling with the band whenever possible and making brief appearances at select shows.

CARCASS‘ reunion lineup:

Bill Steer (FIREBIRD) - Vocals, Guitar
Jeff Walker (BRUJERIA) - Vocals, Bass
Michael Amott (ARCH ENEMY) - Guitar
Daniel Erlandsson (ARCH ENEMY) - Drums
Also, ARSIS (USA) shall embark on a winter tour with MISERY INDEX, FACELESS, and THE TONY DANZA TAP DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA. FROM ARSIS MYSPACE:
USA TOUR W/ THE FACELESS, MISERY INDEX, TONY DANZA TAPDANCE EXTRAVAGANZA Feb 21 2009 7:00P Fayetteville, North Carolina
Feb 21 2009 8:00P
Jester’s Pub Fayetteville, North Carolina
Feb 22 2009 8:00P
Volume 11 Raleigh, North Carolina
Feb 23 2009 8:00P
The Masquerade Atlanta, Georgia
Feb 24 2009 8:00P
The Muse Nashville, Tennessee
Feb 25 2009 8:00P
Pop’s St. Louis, Missouri
Feb 26 2009 8:00P
The Village Little Rock, Arkansas
Feb 27 2009 8:00P
The Max Dallas, Texas
Feb 28 2009 8:00P
Java Jazz Houston, Texas
Mar 1 2009 8:00P
Emo’s Austin, Texas
Mar 2 2009 8:00P
House of Rock Corpus Christi, Texas
Mar 3 2009 8:00P
The Key Abilene, Texas
Mar 4 2009 8:00P
Chic’s El Paso, Texas
Mar 6 2009 8:00P
The Crossing
Mar 6 2009 8:00P
Palmdale, California
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

OPETH , ENSLAVED ANNOUNCE SPRING 2009 NORTH AMERICAN TOUR


ENSLAVED have signed with a new North American booking agency, and OPETH are coming back for a another round of U.S. dates in support of their latest release WATERSHED. This should be a good tour hitting up smaller markets OPETH have yet to play, so do catch it as the spring 2009 touring/fest season heats up.
FROM ENSLAVED MYSPACE: Enslaved will support Opeth on their upcoming North American tour. The 23 shows will take place between May 1st and May 27th; the line-up consists of Enslaved opening for Opeth.

Ivar Bjørnson, Enslaved's songwriter and guitarist comments: "I am stoked that we are going out with Opeth. We have been admirers of Opeth's work for years, specially the direction of their newer works. This is great news for us to take back to our loyal fans and friends in North America at this point; the reception for our newest album "Vertebrae" has been fantastic and unforgettable. We can't wait to present the songs live, we promise you won't be let down! Finally we wish to express our sincere gratitude to Opeth for giving us this opportunity."

May 1 – Sayreville, NJ @ Starland Ballroom
May 2 – Boston, MA @ House of Blues Boston
May 3 – Montreal, QC @ Le Medley
May 4 – Toronto, ON @ Sound Academy
May 5 – Millvale, PA @ Mr. Small’s Place
May 6 – Chicago, IL @ House of Blues
May 8 – Omaha, NE @ Sokol Auditorium
May 9 – Boulder, CO @ Fox Theatre
May 11 – Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory Concert House
May 12 – Portland, OR @ Roseland Theatre
May 13 – Chico, CA @ Senator Theatre
May 14 - San Francisco, CA @ Regency Center
May 15 – Pomona, CA @ Glasshouse
May 16 - Los Angeles, CA @ The Avalon
May 17 – Tucson, AZ @ Rialto Theatre
May 19 - San Antonio, TX @ Scout Bar
May 20 - Oklahoma City, OK @ Diamond Ballroom
May 21 – Memphis, TN @ New Daisy Theatre
May 22 – Knoxville, TN @ Bijou Theatre
May 23 – Columbus, OH -@Newport Music Hall
May 24 – Pontiac, MI @ Clutch Cargo’s
May 26 - New York, NY @ Grand Ballroom
May 27 - Washington DC @ 9:30 Club
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

SLAYER, BEHEMOTH CONFIRMED FOR ROCK STAR ENERGY MAYHEM FESTIVAL


Yep, Polish blackened death metal band BEHEMOTH will support SLAYER on the ROCKSTAR ENERGY MAYHEM FESTIVAL. This tour will hit up some "B" or small and middle markets. TOUR DATES UPDATED 1/29/09: FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET: In addition to being confirmed for this summer's Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival tour alongside SLAYER, MARILYN MANSON, BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE, TRIVIUM, CANNIBAL CORPSE, GOD FORBID, THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER and JOB FOR A COWBOY, Polish extreme metal veterans BEHEMOTH will support SLAYER on a three-week pre-Mayhem festival trek that will include dates in "B markets" — smaller cities which the Mayhem festival will not reach. This tour is also expected to include SUICIDE SILENCE, although this has not yet been corroborated by an official source.

BEHEMOTH mainman Adam "Nergal" Darski had this to say about taking part in the Rockstar Energy trek: "I cannot find words to express the enthusiasm that literally blows us up! It's a great ennoblement to be accompanied by SLAYER and MARILYN MANSON. This is the best reward that we could ever get after a dozen of years of hard work and wandering on various venues all over the world. I can promise that BEHEMOTH will be at its best. We will play a cross-sectional set with some new material included!"

BEHEMOTH is in the final stages of the songwriting process for te hband's as-yet-untitled new album. The record is tentatively expected sometime in the fall via Metal Blade (USA) and Nuclear Blast (Europe). Adam "Nergal" Darski and his bandmates are planning to enter the studio in the middle of February.

The first in a series of webisodes documenting the making of BEHEMOTH's new album can be viewed below.

BEHEMOTH was honored in three categories in Terrorizer magazine's 2008 readers' poll: "Best Live Band", "Best Vocalist" (Nergal) and "Best Drummer" (Inferno). Nergal also took second place in the "Personality Of The Year" category and BEHEMOTH was named the third "Best Band" of 2008.

"Ezkaton", the latest EP from BEHEMOTH, sold around 1,600 copies in the United States in its first week of release, according to Nielsen SoundScan. The CD debuted at No. 26 on the Top New Artist Albums (Heatseekers) chart, which lists the best-selling albums by new and developing artists, defined as those who have never appeared in the Top 100 of The Billboard 200.

"Ezkaton" features seven tracks, one brand new song titled "Qadosh", a live recording as well as a new studio version of "Chant For Ezkaton 2000 e.v.". Also included are live versions of "From The Pagan Vastlands" and "Decade Ov Therion" plus covers of THE RAMONES' "I'm Not Jesus" and the MASTERS HAMMER track "Jama Pekel". The EP was made available as a limited-edition box set that includes four picture-disc seven inches, a BEHEMOTH pendant and the CD all packaged in a deluxe box.
Other confirmed artists include:

* ALL THAT REMAINS
* GOD FORBID
* BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE
* TRIVIUM
* CANNIBAL CORPSE
* JOB FOR A COWBOY
* BEHEMOTH
* BLACK DAHLIA MURDER
* WHITECHAPEL

Final tour dates are below:

July 10 -Marysville, CA @ Sleep Train Amphitheatre
July 11 - Mountain View, CA @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
July 12 - San Bernardino, CA @ Glen Helen Pavilion
July 14 - Seattle, WA @ White River Amphitheater
July 17 - Phoenix, AZ @ Cricket Pavilion
July 18 - Albuquerque, NM @ Journal Pavilion
July 19 - Denver, CO @ Fiddler’s Green Amphitheatre
July 21 - Kansas City, KS @ Sandstone Amphitheater
July 22 - St. Louis, MO @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
July 24 - Atlanta, GA @ Lakewood Amphitheater
July 25 - Indianapolis, IN @ Verizon Wireless Music Centre
July 26 - Chicago, IL @ First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
July 28 - Toronto, ON @ Molson Amphitheater
July 29 - Scranton, PA @ Toyota Pavilion
July 31 - Cleveland, OH @ Blossom Music Center
August 1 - Pittsburgh, PA @ Post Gazette Pavilion
August 2 - Detroit, MI @ DTE Energy Music Theatre
August 4 - Boston, MA @ Tweeter Center
August 6 - Virginia Beach, VA @ Virginia Beach Amphitheater
August 7 - Camden, NJ @ Susquehanna Bank Center
August 8 - Hartford, CT @ New England Dodge Music Center
August 9 - Washington, DC @ Nissan Pavilion
August 11 - Tampa, FL @ Ford Amphitheatre
August 12 - West Palm Beach, FL @ Cruzan Amphitheatre
August 14 - Dallas, TX @ Superpages.com Center
August 15 - Houston, TX @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion
August 16 - San Antonio, TX @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

ENSLAVED, MUNICIPAL WASTE CONFIRMED FOR BLOODSTOCK U.K.'s OPEN AIR


Bloodstock, the U.K.'s finest metal festival (indoors and outdoors) are confirming 2009's lineup August 14,15,16, 2009 in Debyshire, England. ( Enslaved, Municipal Waste, Million Dollar Reload, ect.) FROM BLOODSTOCK FESTIVAL ORGANIZERS: The Bloodstock team are pleased to announce that US thrashers MUNICIPAL WASTE have been added to the bill for BOA 2009.


Municipal Waste were formed in Richmond, Virginia in 2000. Born from a passion for the old-school crossover thrash scene of the 1980s and bands such as D.R.I., Suicidal Tendencies, Nuclear Assault and Attitude Adjustment, they quickly made a name for themselves on the gig circuit with their chaotic live shows. After incessant touring and the release of three EPs, the band finally issued their debut album Waste ‘Em All in 2003. Its good-time blend of fast, furious and often funny hardcore thrash was an underground hit and the band quickly became the leaders of the current thrash revival movement.


In 2005, Municipal Waste inked a deal with UK label Earache and subsequently released their sophomore effort Hazardous Mutation to rave reviews all round. The band then embarked on yet another mammoth round of touring which took in a European trek with Sick Of It All, US dates with GWAR and UK appearances at the prestigious Reading and Leeds Festivals.


2007 saw the release of the band’s most recent album The Art Of Partying which easily maintained their status as the kings of loud, drunk, party thrash and saw them tour with Destruction, Suicidal Tendencies and The Haunted.


MUNICIPAL WASTE – Lock Up Your Lager - BLOODSTOCK OPEN AIR 2009.
The Bloodstock team are pleased to announce that Northern Irish rockers
MILLION DOLLAR RELOAD have been added to the bill for BOA 2009.


Recalling the glory days of AC/DC, Guns N Roses and Aerosmith, M$R first brought their ballsy hard rock to life touring Ireland’s club circuit before taking their high-energy show to the rest of the UK in support of Alice Cooper, Black Label Society, Thin Lizzy and many others. This brought them to the attention of London-based label Lime Records who promptly signed the band and issued their debut Anthems Of A Degeneration in October 2008. Produced by Neil Calderwood (The Answer, The Almighty) the album enjoyed a great reception worldwide and the band plan to capitalise on this with global touring throughout 2009 including what promises to be a balls-out performance at their very first Bloodstock .


MILLION DOLLAR RELOAD – Get It Up - BLOODSTOCK OPEN AIR 2009
The
Bloodstock team are pleased to announce that Norwegian progressive
black metallers ENSLAVED have been added to the bill for BOA as their
ONLY UK SHOW in 2009.


Enslaved were formed in 1991 by Ivar Bjørnson and Grutle Kjellson. Joined by drummer Trym Torson, theyreleased their first demo in 1992 followed by the mini-album Hordanes Land in ’93. 1994 saw the release of both their debut album Vikingligr Veldi and its follow up Frost, as well as the band’s first tour which extended into 1995.


Returning in 1997 with Eld, Enslaved presented a sound which incorporated many more Viking metal elements than their earlier work, a theme which was rolled back somewhat on 1998’s Blodhemn. In 2000, they issued one of the most important albums of their entire career Mardraum (Beyond the Within).
Fusing progressive rock elements to their established black and Viking metal hybrid, they
established a new direction which would see them reach out to a much wider audience. 2001’s Monumension and 2003’s Below the Lights continued this progression, and following an overhaul of their line-up, the band began to develop as a powerful live act to match the ambition of their studio work.


The new line-up released ISA in ’04 and Ruun in ’06, both of which met with reat critical acclaim and saw Enslaved scoop Norwegian Grammy awards.
After a long run of highly-successful touring, the band once again returned to the studio
for last year’s Vertebrae which looks set to continue a remarkable succession of albums which have done much to re-write the rules of extreme metal.


Guitarist Ivar Bjørnson sent this message: “We just got word that we’re playing the 2009 edition of Bloodstock Open Air! It will be our first appearance at a UK festival ever – what an absolutely great place to begin! The reception for both the Vertebrae album and its accompanying tour in the UK has been beyond anything we could hope for.
Both writers and listeners have boosted our confidence through placing us at the top of their various polls, now it is our privilege to prove them right on stage; see you all at Bloodstock!”

ENSLAVED – As Fire Swept Clean The Earth - BLOODSTOCK OPEN AIR 2009


Lineup so far: AMON AMARTH, APOCALYPTICA, CANDLEMASS, DIE APOKALYPTISCHEN REITER, ENSLAVED, KATATONIA, MILLION DOLLAR RELOAD, MUNICIPAL WASTE, SATYRICON, SAXON, TURISAS, THE HAUNTED, WINTERSUN, SABATON,

Date: 14th, 15th, 16th August 2009-01-26
Location: Catton Hall, Walton on Trent, Derbyshire

To purchase your tickets to the UK’s biggest metal party of 2009 go to http://www. bloodstock. uk. com
Thanks- Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Monday, January 26, 2009

NOTES FROM THE EXTREME METAL UNDERGROUND V.09 PART ONE





Here's the first installment of NOTES FROM THE EXTREME METAL UNDERGROUND V.09 part ONE, the first of 2009. (UPDATED 1/27/09):
SOURCE OF NEWS: MYSPACE BAND PAGES, SMNEWS.COM., BLABBERMOUTH.NET, TICKETMASTER:
*Bay area veteran thrashers TESTAMENT have been added to WACKEN OPEN AIR 2009 festival 7/30-8/1/09 (Wacken, Germany).
*Bay area veteran thrashers EXODUS have been added to the California Metal Fest 3/28/09 @ THE GROVE: 2200 East Katella Ave. Anaheim, California.
*Grind legends NAPALM DEATH shall unleash a new disc entitled "Time Waits for No slave" via Century Media Records 2/10/09 and today January 26th in MOST of Europe.
*Florida death metal legends DEICIDE have signed a worldwide deal with Century Media Records. Expect a new release from DEICIDE in the summer of 2009.
*Chicago, Illinois doomsters NOVEMBERS DOOM have entered Belle City Studio to record their next opus entitled "Into Night's Requiem Infernal" as the new release will be mixed by DAN SWANO. NOVEMBERS DOOM have been added to the Chicago, Powerfest (5/7-9/09 @ The Pearl Room, Mokena, Illinois) along with KIUAS, and PERZONAL WAR.
*New York Death Metal (NYDM) legends SUFFOCATION have entered the studio to record their long awaited Nuclear Blast debut "Blood Oath".
*Bay Area thrash legends METALLICA were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this month.
*Reunited Bay Area death metal legends POSSESSED may tour the USA in the summer of 2009. POSSESSED are booked for a date 6/6/2009 at STUDIO SEVEN in Seattle Washington USA.
*Norwegian black/progressive metal legends ENSLAVED have won a Norwegian Spellman award and have a new North American booking agency Nick Storch and The Agency Group. Expect ENSLAVED to announce North American touring dates shorty.
*OBITUARY, GOATHWHORE, KRISIUN, WARBRINGER, THE BERZERKER will team up for a North American fall tour September of 2009.
*U.K. grind legends NAPALM DEATH, KATAKLYSM and TOXIC HOLOCAUST have scheduled a spring 2009 U.S. tour.
*U.S. technical/progressive metal legends ATHEIST are booking shows for summer and fall of 2009 and 2110. Contact Marco at Avocado Booking via marco@avocado-booking.com.
*Florida death metal legends CANNIBAL CORPSE will hit the road this spring (APRIL) with THE FACELESS, OBSCURA, and NEURAXIS.
*CARCASS (headlining), SAMAEL, SUFFOCATION and ARSIS have been confirmed for the METAL UP YOUR ASS FESTIVAL 3/21/09 in Fortworth, Texas at The Ridglea Theater. Also scheduled for the MUYAF are SUICIDE SILENCE, WHITECHAPEL, PSYCROPTIC, DECREPIT BIRTH and VEIL OF MAYA. If some of the aforementioned sounds like a GODLY tour package, my guesstimate is that some of it is.
*South Carolina death metal band NILE shall hit the studio in April to start recording their sixth full length disc via Nuclear Blast.
*Swiss pagan metal gods ELUVEITIE shall unleash a new folk acoustic release entitled "Evocation I: The Arcane Dominion" April 11th via Nuclear Blast records.
*Last but not least, and FINALLY: Russian doom label SOLITUDE PRODUCTIONS shall unleash "RISING OF YOG-SOTHOTH"-a 2 CD Various Artists (doom/funeral/extreme doom) tribute to doom metal gods THERGOTHON in the spring or summer of 2009.
SPRING AND FALL 2009 NORTH AMERICAN TOUR DATES:
FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET: NAPALM DEATH, KATAKLYSM, TOXIC HOLOCAUST U.S. TOUR DATES:
Apr. 17 - Worcester, MA @ New England Metal and Hardcore Festival
Apr. 24 - Raleigh, NC @ Volume 11 Tavern
May 06 - Seattle, WA @ Studio Seven

More shows are expected to be announced soon.
OBITUARY, GOATWHORE, KRISIUN, THE BERZERKER, WARBRINGER NORTH AMERICAN TOUR DATES FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET:
The dates are as follows:

Sep. 03 - Tucson, AZ - The Rock
Sep. 04 - Mesa, AZ - U.B.’s Bar
Sep. 05 - Farmington, NM - Gator’s
Sep. 06 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
Sep. 08 - San Marcos, CA - Jumping Turtle
Sep. 09 - Los Angeles, CA - Key Club
Sep. 10 – San Francisco, CA - Slims
Sep. 11 - Portland, OR - Hawthorne Theater
Sep. 12 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon
Sep. 14 - Victoria, BC - Sugar
Sep. 15 - Vancouver, BC - Plaza Club
Sep. 17 - Calgary, AB - Warehouse
Sep. 18 - Edmonton, AB - Starlite Room
Sep. 19 - Regina, SK - The Riddell
Sep. 20 - Winnipeg, MB - Royal Albert Arms
Sep. 22 - Milwaukee, WI - The Rave
Sep. 23 - Mokena, IL - Pearl Room
Sep. 25 - Toronto, ON - Opera House
Sep. 26 - Quebec City, QC - Imperial
Sep. 27 - Montreal, QC - Foufounes Electriques
Sep. 29 – New York, NY - The Blender Theatre at Gramercy
Sep. 30 - Worcester, MA - Palladium
Oct. 01 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
Oct. 02 - Raleigh, NC - Volume 11
Oct. 03 - Asheville, NC - Orange Peel
Oct. 04 - Louisville, KY - Headliners Music Hall

Tickets go on sale today (Saturday, January 24) exclusively through EnterTheVault.com until February 26, at which point they will be made available through all other
ticketing systems.
CANNIBAL CORPSE, THE FACELESS, NEURAXIS, OBSCURA NORTH AMERICAN TOUR DATES FROM BLABBBERMOUTH.NET: April 02 - Asheville, TN - Orange Peel
April 03 - Memphis, TN - New Daisy Theatre
April 04 - Tulsa, OK - The Marquee
April 06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Avalon
April 07 - Boise, ID - Knitting Factory
April 08 - Spokane, WA - Knitting Factory
April 10 - Vancouver, BC - Croatian Cultural Center
April 11 - Kelowna, BC - Habitat
April 12 - Edmonton, AB - The Starlite
April 13 - Calgary, AB - McEwan Ballroom
April 14 - Regina, SK - Riddell
April 15 - Winnipeg, MB - The Garrick
April 17 - Minneapolis, MN - Station 4
April 18 - Milwaukee, WI - Eagles Ballroom
April 19 - Grand Rapids, MI - Intersection
April 21 - Montreal, QC - The Medley
April 22 - Ottawa, ON - Babylon
April 23 - Quebec City, QC - Le Capitole
April 24 - Poughkeepsie, NY - The Chance
April 25 - Richmond, VA - Alley Katz
April 26 - Jacksonville, NC - Hooligan's Music Hall
April 27 - Jacksonville, FL - Freebird Live
DEICIDE, ORDER OF ENNEAD, VITAL REMAINS, ADRIFT (revised) U.S. tour dates:
FROM SMNNEWS.COM: A revised and updated schedule for the forthcoming DEICIDE, VITAL REMAINS, ADRIFT, ORDER OF ENNEAD US tour has been released:

Adrift With Deicide, Vital Remains and Order of Ennead:

February 6 - Providence, RI @ Club Hell
February 8 - Farmingdale, NY @ The Crazy Donkey
February 9 - Yonkers, NY @ The Haunt
February 10 - Hartford, CT @ Webster Theater
February 11 - West Springfield, VA @ Jaxx
February 13 - Mokena, IL @ Pearl Room
February 14 - Detroit, MI @ Harpo’s Concert Theatre
February 16 - Aurora, CO @ Illiff Park Saloon
February 17 - Salt Lake City, UT @ Club Vegas
February 18 - Farmington, NM @ Big City Nite Club
February 20 - San Jose, CA @ Voodoo Lounge
February 21 - Yucaipa, CA @ Angels Roadhouse
February 22 - West Hollywood, CA @ Key Club

Adrift with Vital Remains and Order of Ennead:

February 23 - Tempe, AZ @ Sets
February 24 - El Paso, TX @ Chics
February 25 - Albuquerque, NM @ Launch Pad
February 26 - Amarillo, TX @ The War Legion Underground

ABIGAIL WILLIAMS, ROSE FUNERAL, BURNING THE MASSES, CONDUCTING FROM THE GRAVE, BREATHING PROCESS U.S. TOUR DATES FROM ABIGAIL WILLIAMS: Jan 30 2009 4:30P
Mac’s Bar Lansing, Michigan
Jan 31 2009 6:00P
The Attic Dayton, Ohio
Feb 1 2009 6:00P
The Jukebox Rochester, New York
Feb 2 2009 6:00P
The Haunt Yonkers, New York
Feb 3 2009 6:00P
Croc Rock Allentown, Pennsylvania
Feb 4 2009 6:00P
Jaxx Springfield, Virginia
Feb 5 2009 6:00P
Club Peppermint Virginia Beach, Virginia
Feb 6 2009 6:00P
The Brewery Raleigh, North Carolina
Feb 7 2009 6:00P
Sector 7G Augusta, Georgia
Feb 8 2009 6:00P
Fuel Jacksonville, Florida
Feb 9 2009 6:00P
The Orpheum Tampa, Florida
Feb 10 2009 6:00P
American Legion 33 Pensacola, Florida
Feb 11 2009 6:00P
The High Ground New Orleans, Louisiana
Feb 12 2009 6:00P
JavaJazz Houston, Texas
Feb 13 2009 6:00P
White Rabbit San Antonio, Texas
Feb 15 2009 6:00P
Plano Metal Fest Plano, Texas
Feb 17 2009 6:00P
Chics El Paso, Texas
Feb 18 2009 6:00P
The Sets Tempe, Arizona
Feb 19 2009 6:00P
Karma Victorville, California
Feb 20 2009 6:00P
The Venue w/ All Shall Perish Fresno, California
Feb 21 2009 6:00P
The Boardwalk w/ All Shall Perish Sacramento, California
Feb 22 2009 6:00P
Modesto Virtual w/ All Shall Perish Modesto, California
Feb 23 2009 6:00P
Riversdale Grange w/ All Shall Perish Roseburg, Oregon
Feb 24 2009 6:00P
The Venue w/ All Shall Perish Boise, Idaho
Feb 26 2009 6:00P
The Black Sheep w/ All Shall Perish Colorado Springs, Colorado
Feb 27 2009 6:00P
Gators w/ All Shall Perish Farmington, New Mexico
Feb 28 2009 6:00P
The Compound w/ All Shall Perish Albuquerque, New Mexico
Mar 1 2009 6:00P
The Rock w/ All Shall Perish Tucsson, Arizona
Mar 3 2009 6:00P
Jerrys Pizza w/ All Shall Perish Bakersfield, California
Mar 4 2009 6:00P
The Wheelhouse W/ All Shall Perish Hemet, California
Mar 5 2009 6:00P
Whiskey A Go Go w/ All Shall Perish Los Angeles, California
Mar 6 2009 6:00P
Chain Reaction w/ All Shall Perish Anaheim, California
Mar 7 2009 6:00P
Soma San Diego, California
Mar 9 2009 6:00P
The War Legion Amarillo, Texas
Mar 10 2009 6:00P
King of Clubs Claremore, Oklahoma
Mar 12 2009 6:00P
The Muse Nashville, Tennessee
Mar 13 2009 6:00P
The Brothers
WINTER 2009 EUROPEAN TOUR DATES: AGALLOCH, DORNENREICH, MELY: FROM AGALLOCH: Mar 20 2009 8:00P
Posthallen Würzburg, Germany
Mar 21 2009 8:00P
Wallerseehalle Henndorf, Austria
Mar 22 2009 8:00P
Covo Antico Brescia, Italy
Mar 23 2009 8:00P
Exit Chmelnice Praha, Czech Republic
Mar 24 2009 8:00P
K17 Berlin, Germany
Mar 25 2009 8:00P
Glaz’art Paris, France
Mar 26 2009 8:00P
Purple Turtle London, England
Mar 27 2009 8:00P
Biebob Vosselaar, Belgium
Mar 28 2009 8:00P
Alfred-Fischer-Halle Hamm, Germany
Mar 29 2009 8:00P
W2 Den Bosch, Netherlands
ESOTERIC, SKEPTICISM TOUR OF FINLAND: FROM ESOTERIC: Feb 20 2009 8:00P
Lutakko, Finland Jyväskylä
Feb 21 2009 8:00P
Dante’s Highlight, Finland Helsinki
Feb 22 2009 8:00P
Klubi, Finland Turku
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Friday, January 23, 2009

ITP REVIEW-NECROPHAGIST-THE ONSET OF PUTREFACTION




BAND/ARTIST: NECROPHAGIST (Germany) GENRE/SUB GENRE-Technical death metal LABEL: (?)
CATALOG: EPITAPH-(2004) RELAPSE
ONSET OF PUTREFACTION (2004- Re-issue-RELAPSE
(1999) WILLOWTIP (NORTH AMERICA) RELAPSE (out side of North America)





NECROPHAGIST: ONSET OF PUTREFACTION
TTRACK LISTING

 1. "Foul Body Autopsy" 1:55
2. "To Breathe in a Casket" 5:43
3. "Mutilate the Stillborn" 3:45
4. "Intestinal Incubation" 4:13
5. "Culinary Hyperversity" 5:06
6. "Advanced Corpse Tumor" 5:29
7. "Extreme Unction" 4:48
8. "Fermented Offal Discharge" 4:42



FROM WILLOWTIP RECORDS FOUNDER JASON TIPTON: "I first heard Onset in 2000 and I started emailing Muhammed then asking about releasing it in the U.S. and stuff. Muhammed always wanted it to happen, but things were a complete mess. He had signed a really bad contract and his label had gone out of business and the rights to that album were sold to another company. So this company owned the rights to the CD and they were near impossible for anyone to deal with, in fact they weren't doing their job at all. They didn't really care at all about the band, didn't have the CD in press. It was a complete mess."



ITP RATING:******
PRODUCTION: **** 1/2
PERFORMANCE: **** 1/2
SONGWRITING: **** 1/2

ARE YOU SHREDDIE?: Ahh, after dusting off this amazing CD, I remember again WHY this release is such a KULT classic, amazing, a technical death metal masterpiece, orgasmic, better than any sex. NECROPHAGIST started off as a one man project Muhammed Suiçmez who is a self taught guitarist vs. a religious family whom didn't like metal. Muhammed played all instruments on the original recording of " The Onset Of Putrefaction" (WILLOWTIP records) himself himself, brilliantly composing and programming a drum machine via a computer. As "Onset of Putrefaction" rose to popularity in the extreme metal scene, Suicmez employed a full band, including some talented drummers.

Arpeggios,sweeps and awesome solos, ahhh, technical death metal heaven. For technical death metal bands, the art of the genre is to combine head banging brutality with technical, mind blowing musicianship, AND good songwriting. Rarely can technical death metal bands achieve ALL of the aforementioned without resorting to soulless wankery. However, GERMANY's NECROPHAGIST achieve ALL of the aforementioned: brutality, clarity, technical, awe inspiring musicianship, and catchy as HELL brutal songwriting.

Listening to "Onset of Putrefaction", one could be reminded of INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT PATTERNS, or/and SYMBOLIC era DEATH as Muhammed Suiçmez's technical guitar solos are godly, well written and produced, with lower death metal vox, and a technical well programmed drum machine. The lyrical themes represented on NECROPHAGIST's "Onset of Putrefaction" are reminiscent of CARCASS, with morbid, medical terminology, enough to interest a medical examiner.

Chock full of amazing, catchy riffs, if "ONSET OF PUTREFACTION" were a meal, than fans would feast on these awesome riffs for years to come.
"Foul Body Autopsy" opens "ONSET OF PUTREFACTION", as the song clocks in at only 1:53 seconds, but Muhammed Suiçmez's awesome display of technical musicianship inspires one to play this tune more than once, or smash your guitar in utter frustration that very few guitarists are this good. The mix on the original version of "Onset of Putrefaction" is excellent as it employs , on occasion vocal and solo echo, taking you places on it's journey to technical death metal unholiest places.

"To Breath in A Casket" and "Mutilate the Stillborn" are excellent tech-death metal songs, as Suiçmez programmed the drum machine tightly within the rhythm guitar parts and Suiçmez flat out shreds. "Culinary Hyperversity" with it's memorable guitar melody, staccato rhythm guitar, and amazing sweeps fit well into Suiçmez's low register death metal vox.

"Advanced Corpse Tumor" is perhaps Onset of Putrefaction's anthem with awe inspiring technical riffs, great songwriting, death metal vocals and solos. "Advance Corpse Tumor's" solo at 2:30 is jaw dropping with the echo towards the solos end. "Extreme Unction" may very well be "Onset of Putrefaction's" best song with it's awesome opening slap bass line and at 2:00 the GODLY guitar solo with catchy rhythm guitar riffs.

Ahh, kneel to the later of NECROPHAGIST, technical death metal gods. "Fermented Offal Discharge", with it's tight guitar rhythm, displaying awesome bass guitar musicianship, just sit back and band your head and ride the brutality. About three minutes into "FOD" Suiçmez pulls of another awesome solo with reverbed echo mixed in towards the solos end.

The production on "Onset of Putrefaction" brings out an ambiance and clarity as solos are mixed perfectly at the end of solos, and at the start of songs, bringing the listener to extreme metal orgasm.
In all, ONSET OF PUTREFACTION's lyrical themes are a little silly cloning CARCASS as NECROPHAGIST's 2004 release EPITAPH featured more philosophical lyrical themes. However, the extreme metal scene took notice of this perfect CD, recorded by one man, performing, programming all of the instruments himself.

In 2004, Muhammed Suiçmez added a full band for recording and touring as ONSET OF PUTREFACTION was re-recorded, remixed (with live drums) and re-issued via RELAPSE RECORDS.
If technical death metal was this cohesive, I would think that the late Chuck Schuldiner is even giving Muhammed Suiçmez the horns and extreme metal blessings.

Hails to technical death metal gods NECROPHAGIST as they shall headline the 2009 U.S. SUMMER SLAUGHTER TOUR.


ITP RATING:******
PRODUCTION: **** 
PERFORMANCE: **** 1/2 
SONGWRITING: **** 1/2


Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Thursday, January 22, 2009

ITP UPDATE:

I'll have the best of 2007, and 2008 up real soon along with some reviews. There are new links added to the journal, take a peak.
I'm so disappointed in the management whom consistently are guilty of clerical errors or agendas and give no privacy to their clients. Our lawyer is keeping an eye on the whole situation.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- BBL

NEW ENGLAND METAL AND HARDCORE FESTIVAL OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:


Last year was the tenth anniversary of the New England Metal and Hardcore Festival in Massachusetts as APRIL will kick in the second decade of this fest 4/16, 17, 18, 2009. YES, the NEMHCF moves on to it's 11th annual mosh. Three days of brutal bands, mosh, food and good times. Here's the official announcement from NEW ENGLAND METAL AND HARDCORE FEST organizers and the lineup to date: FROM SMNNEWS.COM AND NEW ENGLAND METAL AND HARDCORE FESTIVAL ORGANIZERS: The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival will enter its second decade this April with an eclectic mixture of bands from the metal and hardcore genres. Returning to the Palladium in Worcester, MA, the event will take place on Friday, April 17 and Saturday, April 18, with a special pre-party on Thursday, April 16.

* Headlining Friday will be ALL THAT REMAINS…
* Headlining Saturday will be LAMB OF GOD…
* The No Fear Energy Music Tour package will feature (As I Lay Dying, Children Of Bodom, God Forbid, Municipal Waste).
* Metal Blade Records will present the main stage.
* Atticus will sponsor the pre-party
* Doors open at Noon on Friday/Saturday
* Prices this year are $40 for Friday, $45 for Saturday or $79 for a 2-day ticket that also includes free admission to the kick off party on Thursday.

Other bands schedule to perform on Friday are:

August Burns Red, Suffocation, The Acacia Strain, The Haunted, Napalm Death, White Chapel, Kataclysm, Cattle Decapitation, Veil of Maya, Abigail Williams, Decrepit Birth, Pscroptic, Intronaut, Withered, Left to Vanish, Lazarus A.D., Kylesa, XAFBX, Trap Them, Aggressive Dogs, Toxic Holocaust, XWarX, Psyopus, Woe of Tyrants, Rose Funeral and more to be announced.

Saturday’s lineup will feature:

Have Heart, Shipwreck, Winds of Plague, Emmure, All Shall Perish, Austrian Death Machine, Terror, iwrestledabearonce, Unholy, Shai Hulud, Cold World, Trapped Under Ice, This is Hell, Cruel Hand, The Carrier, Energy, Defeater, Dead Swans, Century, Book of Black Earth, Acaro, Animals as Leaders, Withered, Landmine Marathon and more to be announced.

The Thursday night pre-party will be a unique event combining film and music. The party will kick off with a screening of official film sponsor Anchor Bay’s film Crowley, co-written by IRON MAIDEN vocalist Bruce Dickinson. Also showing is Anvil! The Story of Anvil. The film will be followed by a performance by the band itself. The pre-party will also be held at the Palladium. Admission is free with a weekend pass or $15 for non-ticket holders.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

CANNIBAL CORPSE Vs. CENSORSHIP


"CANNIBAL CORPSE to fans live: Are there in the ladies in house?" "Yeh, this ones for YOU, "Stripped, Raped, And Strangled". BTW, Cannibal Corpse are due for a new CD entitled "Evisceration Plague" very soon (2/3/09).
FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET: Audio samples of all the tracks that appear on "Evisceration Plague", the forthcoming album from Tampa, Florida-based death metal veterans CANNIBAL CORPSE, are available on Amazon.com.

"Evisceration Plague" is scheduled for release on February 3, 2009 via Metal Blade Records. The follow-up to 2006's "Kill" was produced by Erik Rutan (HATE ETERNAL, MORBID ANGEL) at his Mana Recording Studios in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Commented bassist Alex Webster: "In CANNIBAL CORPSE, our goal has always been to try and make each new album we record our heaviest. That goal was a bit more challenging this time since we were extremely satisfied with our last album 'Kill', but we knew that by working with producer Erik Rutan at Mana Recording Studios again, we would be able to start at that same level of heaviness and take it even further. Now that we can hear the finished product, I would say we've been able to achieve this goal, and I think our fans will agree. 'Evisceration Plague' has the best guitar sound we've ever recorded, and the entire band has never played with more precision and power. We can't wait until you all get a chance to hear the album in early 2009, because we think you'll be as happy with it as we are."

"Evisceration Plague" track listing:

01. Priests of Sodom
02. Scalding Hail
03. To Decompose
04. A Cauldron of Hate
05. Beheading and Burning
06. Evidence in the Furnace
07. Carnivorous Swarm
08. Evisceration Plague
09. Shatter Their Bones
10. Carrion Sculpted Entity
11. Unnatural
12. Skewered From Ear to Eye

"Evisceration Plague" will be available as a limited-edition digipack including a bonus track and bonus DVD, jewelcase CD and on limited splatter vinyl.

The "Evisceration Plague" artwork can be viewed below.

Commented Alex Webster, "For 'Evisceration Plague' we enlisted legendary gore/horror artist Vincent Locke, who has done artwork for all of our releases. He did two pieces for us this time, a dark and foreboding cover piece, and a violent and gory piece for the interior of the CD packaging. Vince has shown once again that he is a master of capturing a macabre and eerie vibe with his artwork."

CANNIBAL CORPSE's seven-plus-hour DVD set "Centuries of Torment" (which came out July 8) sold 2,100 copies in the United States in its first week of release to debut at position No. 8 on the Top Music Videos chart.

(EDITORS NOTE): I too, believe that censorship is very UN-AMERICAN, and our society needs the space to exchange opinions and ideas maturely. With younger kids viewing films, media, and listening to music, I do think it's the parents responsibility to monitor how they interpret images from the media ect. This can be done without censorship as most ISP have parental controls, and parents should talk to their kids about issues. I had 20 -30 year friends come to me and say how their parents raided their CD collection as they owned GUNS AND ROSES "Appetite for Destruction" and of course that release featured the inside CD artwork of a robot raping a woman. Guns Roses label forced the band to not use "offensive" artwork on the releases, there fore the art was on the inside of "Appetite for Destruction". Funny story, but well adjusted kids have parents that know how to talk to their kids regarding abstract fantasy vs. reality. Gory lyrics, could be a dark reality in our society as extreme metals satellite may pick up the darker, negative reflections, but parents helping their dependents to interpret images correctly vs. functional behavior is important. Of course, I bought "Appetite for Destruction" when I was 18 right before college, and I had enough common sense to know the difference. Knowing that AXL ROSE is a bi polar, anti immigrant, homophobe, but good vocalist, is knowing how to challenge assumptions, but feel free to enjoy the MUSIC. Also, I DON'T believe in banning art, writing or music because of offensive or political content.How art is interpreted is up to the individual, and with kids, adult supervision.
I think CANNIBAL CORPSE are lyrically hilarious, kinda sexist, but hilarious in a non PC way.
I think when parents blame their dependents behavior on "music", they are NOT in the least bit in touch with their kids psychology.
FROM BLABBERMOUTH.NET: and ZERO TOLERANCE MAGAZINE UK:
Censorship and extreme music have clashed on many occasions, and more than once death metal's CANNIBAL CORPSE has been the catalyst for conflict. Speaking in the new issue of the U.K.'s Zero Tolerance magazine, CORPSE bassist and founding member Alex Webster reflects upon his band's run-ins with censors over the years. "There's a lot of problems in the world, and death metal just isn't one of them," he said. "Listening to a band that sings about crazy, fucked-up things or watching a violent movie isn't going to inspire people the way they might think it would. Censors take it for granted that others are easily influenced, and I don't think that's necessarily true. I think that people definitely know the difference between a crazy, blood-soaked fantasy going on in a movie and reality." And turning to the decision by German censors to ban some CANNIBAL CORPSE material in the early '90s, Webster says, "Some German version of the PMRC that had originally started to crack down on neo-fascist type music decided to just crack down on anything they didn't like, anything questionable. I have a feeling they were using laws that had been made to monitor political hate speech for just anything, though I could be wrong... I'd say that just being successful is a good way of getting back at people who've tried to stop you...I think [censorship] made our band bigger. It was really a failure on the part of anyone who took us on - nobody was stopped. We're lucky enough to have the freedom of speech, and it wound up winning in our case. Censorship is probably seen as a waste of effort by a lot of people because we're still here."

Censorship is the subject of a special investigation in the new issue of Zero Tolerance magazine, in which NAPALM DEATH, BEHEMOTH and SEPULTURA relate their own thoughts and experiences. BEHEMOTH's Nergal discusses how the actions of one would-be censor in Poland have ended up in court, while Barney Greenway of NAPALM DEATH explains why he thinks freedom of speech should be protected at all costs.

Calum Harvie, editor of Zero Tolerance, said, "Although it might raise a smile or two when a self-appointed 'moral guardian' is shocked by the imagery and lyrics frequently employed in extreme music, it's less easy to brush their indignation aside if they then go on to try and have an artist or a piece of music banned. But as the musicians featured in this special show, there are no easy answers. Are there no-go areas in terms of lyrics and imagery? Or should extreme music exist to challenge taboos no matter what? That's what we've been looking at this issue."

For more information, visit www.ztmag.com.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

CARCASS DUE TO TOUR THE U.S.A. MARCH 2009


All the rumors, reunited British gore grind legends CARCASS will tour the USA in MARCH. Some festival dates HAVE been announced. For those whom have been asking, YES, my old WFNP radio show from the early to mid 90's REBELLIOUS NATURE intro/theme had a CARCASS drum loop sampled, with a a synthesizer intro. So I've been a CARCASS fan for a while. The dates on the SUFFOCATION tour look godly.
FROM SMNNEWS.COM: More dates have been released for CARCASS’ upcoming U.S. tour:
March 21 - Fort Worth, TX @ Ridglea Theater
w/ Suicide Silence, Suffocation, Whitechapel, Veil of Maya, Beneath The Massacre, Arsis, Samael, Decripit Birth, Psycroptic

March 22 - Houston, TX @ Meridian
w/ Suicide Silence, Samael, Arsis, Decrepit Birth, Pinhead

March 24 - Englewood, CO @ Gothic Theatre

March 28 - Anaheim, CA @ Grove of Anaheim
w/ Suffocation, The Faceless, Whitechapel, Samael, Arsis, Decrepit Birth, Veil of Maya, Psycroptic

The above lineup’s are just what the venue sites currently have listed. More dates and official lineups are expected to be released shortly.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

MAYHEM, MARDUK, CATTLE DECAPITATION, CEPHALIC CARNAGE U.S. TOUR LINEUP AND DATE ANNOUNCED, DEICIDE/VITAL REMAINS U.S. TOUR DATES (revised)




...FUUUUUUNERAL FOOOOOOOOOOG!!!!! With that said, Norwegian black metal legends MAYHEM shall make a long overdue return to the USA with previously announced co headliners MARDUK (SWEDEN)and U.S. grind bands CATTLE DECAPITATION and Denver, Colorado's CEPHALIC CARNAGE. First date leaked, Seattle Washington in the Pacific north west.
FROM SMNNEWS.COM.
May 22 - Baltimore, MD @ Maryland Deathfest
June 5 - Seattle, WA @ Studio Seven
DEICIDE, VITAL REMAINS, ADRIFT and ORDER OF ENNEAD have updated their tour schedule as this will be a small, middle market tour. FROM SMNNEWS.COM:

February 6 - Providence, RI @ Club Hell
February 8 - Farmingdale, NY @ The Crazy Donkey
February 9 - Yonkers, NY @ The Haunt
February 11 - West Springfield, VA @ Jaxx
February 13 - Mokena, IL @ Pearl Room
February 14 - Detroit, MI @ Harpo’s Concert Theatre
February 16 - Aurora, CO @ Illiff Park Saloon
February 17 - Salt Lake City, UT @ Club Vegas
February 18 - Farmington, NM @ Big City Nite Club
February 20 - San Jose, CA @ Voodoo Lounge
February 21 - Yucaipa, CA @ Angels Roadhouse
February 22 - West Hollywood, CA @ Key Club

An Official Tour Kick Off Party will take place at the new Gasoline Alley in Largo, Florida on Saturday, January 31.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-\m/ -l-

NEW ENGLAND METAL AND HARDCORE FEST 2009 LINEUP ANNOUNCED, CALIFORNIA METAL FEST 2009



OK, looks like there IS going to be yet another New England Metal and Hardcore Festival in Worcester, Massachusetts (at the Palladium) 4/18/09 in this, the year of 2009. The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival is well organized, taking the place of Jack Koshiks old metal fest, but ya know, being a Massachusetts fest, ya know there's going to be tons of hard core and metal core bands, let's see if we can count the clones...Yep, 9 out of 11 bands are metal CORE.
FROM SMNNEWS.COM. It looks like a selection of bands have been earmarked for the New England Metal and Hardcore Fest XI 2009. The following acts are scheduled to perform on April 18 at The Palladium in Worcester, MA:

LAMB OF GOD, AS I LAY DYING, CHILDREN OF BODOM, GOD FORBID, MUNICPAL WASTE, EMMURE, WINDS OF PLAGUE, TERROR, ALL SHALL PERISH, THE GHOST INSIDE, SHAI HULUD

No new info has otherwise been released for this year’s festival.
Also, looks like New York Death Metal (NYDM) legends SUFFOCATION will hit the road for a USA tour with DECREPIT BIRTH, WHITECHAPEL, PSYCROPTIC and VEIL OF MAYA. A stop on this tours itinerary will be the CALIFORNIA METAL FEST with CARCASS (YES! for west coasters) with ARSIS, SAMAEL, and THE FACELESS. (Festival flyer ABOVE).
UPDATED: 1/23/09: And...if you're of local and regional talent, if you would like to PAY TO PLAY (LMAO) the CALIFORNIA DEATH FEST, here's all the info..FROM CALIFORNIA DEATH FEST PROMOTERS AND SMNNEWS.COM: Here’s an interesting e-mail about how your band can get on the upcoming California Metalfest:

“Thank you for reaching out about California Metal Fest 2009! We are proud to announce an electrifying line up, and are currently working on adding the best possible bands from California. We are all working hard to make the biggest and best Festival , and with that being said we are looking for dedicated, talented, professional and hard working bands. We are giving opportunities for those bands.

Hugo@SumerianRecords.com 213.258.0629
Mehoves@SumerianRecords.com – 360-359-5325

$2000 - includes a time slot on the Mainstage w/ VIP access for the band. This includes your name on all 50 k flyers, and countless amount of online marketing. This opportunity will also include 10 General Admission guest spots for your band to choose freely on how to use. Time Slots are limited and we take submissions and confirm on a first come first serve basis.

$1250 – includes a time slot on the side stage / early main stage with band name or logo on all flyers and online advertising. This opportunity gets the band 5 Gen Adm guest spots for the band to decide how to use.”
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal- \m/ -l-

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

MARYLAND DEATH FEST DAILY LINEUPS/AUDITORY ASSAULT FEST LINEUPS 2009



OK, MARYLAND DEATH FEST organizers have announced the daily lineup of the three day event and the AUDITORY ASSAULT FEST have announced the official lineup, and YES, Barack Obama was sworn (12PM EST-USA) in as the USA's 44th president in an historical inauguration as the USA's FIRST African American president, metal horns (\m/) and all the best to BARACK OBAMA.
FROM SMNNEWS.COM. and MARYLAND DEATH FEST organizers.
The organizers of the annual Maryland Deathfest, which will take place at Sonar in Baltimore, MD, have released the following update:

“Below is a list of bands for each day of MDF 2009. There are several different scenarios on the table as far as stage setup goes, so we won’t be announcing exact set times until sometime in March.

Individual day tickets will go on sale on Monday, January 19th.

You can expect doors to open around 3:30 pm on Friday and 12:00 pm on Saturday and Sunday. These are only estimates, but not off by more than 30 minutes or so.

Friday, May 22nd:
Asphyx
Mayhem
Marduk
Venomous Concept
Cephalic Carnage
Cattle Decapitation
Victims
Sayyadina
Pigsty
Jig-Ai
Gnostic
Hero Destroyed
Triac

Saturday, May 23rd
Bolt Thrower
Atheist
Napalm Death
Brutal Truth
Immolation
Hail of Bullets
General Surgery
Phobia
Birdflesh
Grief
Pig Destroyer
Today is the Day
Misery Index
Flesh Parade
Unearthly Trance
Pretty Little Flower
Crowpath
Man Must Die
Weekend Nachos
Maruta
Drugs of Faith

Sunday, May 24th
Pestilence
Aura Noir
Abscess
Absu
Sigh
Rotten Sound
Devourment
The Red Chord
Trap Them
Despise You
Antigama
Splitter
Agenda of Swine
Kill the Client
Catheter
Lair of the Minotaur
Magrudergrind
Entrails Massacre
The Endless Blockade
Car Bomb
Complete Failure“
First bands announced for New York City's AUDITORY ASSAULT FEST. FROM SMNNEWS.COM: The first bands have been announced for the first annual Auditory Assault Festival in New York City, which will take place on May 16th and 17th at a soon to be announced venue:

Brutal Truth (New York)
Gadget (Sweden)
Sayyadina (Sweden)
Pigsty (Czech Republic)
Jig-Ai (Czech Republic)
Kill The Client (Texaas)
Total Fucking Destruction (Pennsylvania)
Defeatist (New York)

You can stay up to date over at the festival’s official MySpace page.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal-\m/ -l-

Saturday, January 17, 2009

THE 1, 160 rules of DOOM


I'm soweee, I forgot that the "Born in Blood" forum posters were working on the 1,160 rules of doom, and yes, it is epic, as there ARE more than 196 rules to doom, as doom shall rise. I stumbled upon the other rules of doom, and we shan't forget. As with all doom, the songs are epic, looong, and slooooow. So of course, to match the atmosphere of said genre of music, the rules of doom have reached a long, slow, epic record of density and miserable sounds capes.
So here we go, the EPIC 1,160 rules of doom, for Joey and Danny, whom won't stop bothering me until I post this. Reviews of ESOTERIC, PORTAL, NECROPHAGIST, BEST OF 2007 this week, and BEST of 2008 in a week I promise.
The 1,160 rules of doom from the BORN IN BLOOD FORUM (GLOOM AND DOOM):
197. Don't go looking for dog shit in the woods, it will find you.
198. Having stepped in a dog's turd, a doomster will see it as an inevitable event in their doomed life and resign themselves to the smell that follows them around rather than wipe it off.
199. Don't follow rules.

Chapter III

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200. Rarely do the people around you have anything more worthwhile to say than the doom band on your headphones.
201. A portable CD player is an essential part in isolating yourself from the world.
202. Never stop asking what is doom, it makes a great hobby.
203. Doom shalt be heavy
204. Doom shalt be Slow, Deep, and Hard. ...but thou shalt not be Type O Negative
205. If that 6-foot red squirrel playing doom in the corner of your room is starting to disturb you, then you may wish to change your lifestyle.
206. Don’t get mad with God, get even.
207. Use the ‘Skip of Doom’ to get rid of your emotional baggage.
208. Go get a troubled soul.
209. Murphy's Law is real, the toast really will fall butter side down on the carpet every time.
210. If it makes you feel Doom... then it is Doom.
211. Emotion and Meaning are two sides of the same Doom coin, now, if only we knew what the edge meant.
212. Regularly check your Doom trueness for lumps and bumps against the latest dictionary definitions:
Doom (n)
Inevitable destruction or ruin.
Fate, especially a tragic or ruinous one.
A decision or judgment, especially an official condemnation to a severe penalty.
Judgement Day
A computer game involving the killing of monsters.
Doom (v) Doomed, Dooming, Dooms
To condemn to ruination or death.
To destine to an unhappy end.
213. Doom is not an excuse to neglect your personal hygiene… and stop picking your nose when I’m talking to you.
214. Put more angels on your album covers.
215. Doom is for bands who want to be alone
216. The medical treatment for Manic Doomster-ism is Iron Monkey
217. Come up with as many rules of doom as possible.
218. If somebody comes up with more rules of doom than you he or she is without doubt a poser.
219. If rule 218 happens, drown yourself in self-pity... but you're still not a Goth.
220. Doom is like dust, it gets everywhere.
221. Don’t read stupid fucking lists of doom metal rules, especially on Internet forums.
222. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. Typical.
223. Doom sacrifices speed at the alter of Tempo
224. True™ Doomsters are more underground, masculine and heroic than the rest of us, even if we don’t know it.
225. Use tranquillisers, they’re less addictive than Doom Metal
226. If you feel that you are lost forever, then you probably should be.
227. Doom Metal is free emotional art, that generally isn’t free.
228. Beware of bands that shamelessly self-promote their units of production on internet forums.
229. Don’t play Doom at parties, it just doesn't work.
230. Don’t play Eyehategod to your mother-in-law if you want to impress her on how well you are looking after her precious daughter.
231. Ultimately everything is about power, be it politics, electricity or Doom Metal
232. Happiness leads to Misery
233. Misery loves company, Doom doesn’t, that’s the difference
234. Doom isn’t just for Christmas and family outings
235. Doom is the best friend you’ll ever have… sad ain’t it.
236. Playing 'Until Death Overtakes Me' on your first date, is unlikely to get you laid.
237. Doom is in the riff, except when it isn’t.
238. Music with a brain generally requires a listener with a brain.
239. There is an inevitability about the futility of it all
240. Doom is Black and white, sweet and sour, hope and hopelessness, anger and fear, contentment and discontentment, fulfilment and emptiness.
241. Treacle thoughts require slow music
242. Beware slugs! They are liable to leap out in front of you when you least expect it (also see snails Rule 94).
243. A back-to-front mood spells doom
244. "Sorry For The Inconvenience" really was the last message of God to his creation.
245. When contributing to this list, make sure you leave at least 3 hours to type each rule.
246. A Doomy bass player may stumble over his own strings during a gig.
247. There is a treble knob on your amp, just don’t use it.
248. Saint Vitus was the first Doom Dancer
249. Doom is more reflective than any mirror
250. “Shake off this downy sleep, death's counterfeit, and look on death itself! Up, up, and see the great doom's image!” – Macbeth
251. Don’t park your bicycle in the 'Crack of Doom'
252. If you are going to commit suicide, at least wait until you've released your last decent album.
253. If you sing like Jabba-the-Hut then join a Death Doom band. If you look like Jabba-the-Hut, join the Doom Police.
254. Tune your violin down to B
255. Any band with a violinist is doomed to be written off as a ‘My Dying Bride’ clone, even though 'My Dying Bride' don’t have a violinist.
256. There is no such thing as doom metal.
257. Stoner is not Trad... except when it is
258. Just because you’re not a Goth doesn’t mean you can’t mate with one. Your children will be Gothic Doom, and grow up to form a My Dying Bride clone. You can buy them a violin for their 1st birthday.
259. Gothic chicks may be gorgeous, but taking them to a doom gig without a paper bag over their head will ruin your street cred. This is why nearly every girl at a doom gig has a paper bag over her head.
260. If at a doom gig someone asks “is the girl under the paper bag with you?”, make out either she’s your ugly sister, or a disturbed bulimia patient on a trip out from the hospital under your supervision, and then ask who's the girl under the paper bag he’s with.
261. If you're looking in an issue of 'Wild Gothic Chicks in Lust!' in the local paper store cover it up with a copy of the gay times, or read it with a paper bag over your head (obviously with two slits for the eyes… stupid).
262. No, you didn't buy the wrong pentagram album, you just happen to like Turkish Metal and are developing your taste in a different cultural background.
263. For a genre that has more sub-genres than the rest of metal put together, Doom Metal surprisingly remains the most universal, genre-less form of human expression
264.To sing Darkwave Doom you must be beautiful and wear a romantic flowing dress. Hairy-arsed doomsters with beards should not attempt to sing Darkwave.
265. Beauty is only a light switch away.
266. ‘Skepticism’ is not a book about religion.
267. Put your heart and soul into your music, then rubbish it so that no one wants to hear it.
268. If you must regret, then regret everything.
269. Seek inner silence by playing your music as loudly as possible.
270. Everyone who competes in the rat-race is a doomed, they just don’t know it.
271. Either love life so much that you dread your death, or hate it so much that you dread your living.
272. Doom is death and Doom is life.
273. You better slow down, don't dance so fast, time is short, the music won't last.
274. If you find yourself being happy, then you have too much time on your hands. Being doomed is a full time job.
275. If you find you have too much time on your hands, catalogue your doom collection into hundreds of different categories.
276. If you think melancholy, despair and sadness are cathartic paths for individual growth, spirituality, and empathy for a dying world, then you really should take up the violin.
277. Happiness is ultimately depressing.
278. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to the number of people queuing up to tell you are not True™.
279. Your degree of doomsterism is directly proportional to how optimistic you find the works of Schopenhauer.
280. When your liver and kidneys have stopped working, you’re perennially constipated and are coughing up blood, you know it’s time to leave Electric Wizard.
281. If you have ever felt remotely excited at all, then you are not doom.
282. If your negativity doesn’t attract lightning, then you are not doom
283. Thou shalt be depressed. Thou shalt make others depressed. Those that hear thy music shalt be depressed, and their depression shalt make thou even more depressed - Amen.
284. If the lamp doesn’t fall off the speaker, then the bass isn’t loud enough.
285. The test of a real doomster is the peeled banana skin should turn brown before the banana is eaten.
286. Make randomly long, low humming noises throughout the day
287. Be in time with the song in your head.
288. An mp3 player shall not have the disk space to hold more than 7 funeral doom songs.
289. Urinate slowly.
290. Real gothic doomsters cry a veil of tears.
291. Don’t sell your soul on e-bay… just in case.
292. Take 5 hours to make a sandwich, and that sandwich shall be a slice of utter negativity between two slices of dry bread.
293. Your band’s cover version of Sabbath’s ‘Iron Man’ shall be played at quarter speed.
294. Your band’s cover version of Skepticism ‘The March and the Stream' shall span several CDs... and be terrifying.
295. Novice progressive doom bands shall restrict themselves to Atmospherically Droning Funeral Gothic Death Stoner Sludge Traditional Doom and not try and be too clever.
296. When you think you can't tune your guitar any lower, tune it lower… and then tune it lower still... and then tune it lower.
297. Thou shalt curse the rush-hour traffic, for it movest too fast for thou to finish thy doom tape.
298. Nothing really matters, except the things that do.
299. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Chapter IV

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300. People are the pits.
301. If you think this week was a boring, wait till you see what happens next week.
302. Take bitterness in your coffee, not sugar.
303. The alternative to death is a lifelong funeral in the company of strangers.
304. Shop-window dummies and optimists have a lot in common, not least their smiles.
305. The only person more alone than a doomster, is a non-doomster.
306. If you run out of ideas you can always use Black Sabbaths’
307. The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows
308. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
309. Everything is unimportant in some way.
310. Getting lost in another was your first mistake.
311. Doom Metal must have at least 10 times more rules than all the other Metal genres put together.
312. Slow is Doom, but Doom is not always slow
313. Being Doom is never having to say 'Hello'
314. Rules teach us how to think in a box.
315. Doom is anything you can get away with.
316. Every human being has to go through some suffering
317. True™ doomsters form a circle.
318. Don't argue with vanguards.
319. Don’t argue with someone who has talked with god.
320. The underground is supposed to be different.
321. Leave at least 6 years between albums to allow doomsters to fully appreciate them.
322. If Skepticism ever release a Power Metal album, then Power Metal shall be called Doom.
323. False doomsters shall form a loosely defined parallelogram... no I don't understand it either, but it's the law!
324. Easy on the Magic Mushrooms man.
325. False people are common. False doomsters are rare.
326. You can't be KVLT DVVM if you don't spell it right.
327. Watch out! Watch out! The Doom Police are about!
328. If you think you’re winning, you’re probably losing again.
329. Satisfy your fantasies with an insipid functional personal relationship.
330. Forgive your imagination, it’s the only thing that won’t let you down.
331. If nothing is nothing, then is everything nothing, or is everything everything? Or could it be that some things are nothing and some things aren’t?
332. Imagine a day without disappointment, good wasn't it.
333. If you dwell in a house without love, then you dwell in the house of solitude.
334. Please let me die in solitude.
335. Never mind, soon be dead, hey.
336. Desire is irrelevant. Pain is inevitable. Resistance is futile.
337. In a 1000 years who’ll care?
338. Stoner doom should be played through valves.
339. Stoner doom should be played in flares.
340. Stoner doom should be played with attitude.
341. Stoner doom should be played when you're not quite there.
342. Stoner doom should be listened to when you're not quite there.
343. Doom is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
344. Don't leave your Iron Monkey alone in a room with your Iron Man. They will either fight, or argue about doom genres.
345. When the time comes, don't be lost for words, work on your epitaph now.
346. Be cremated in the fires of mount doom.
347. Let your negativity float around you like a glorious rain cloud.
348. If something bad is going to happen to you, pretending it isn't, won't stop it.
349. Nihilism is good for you. It gives your mind something to overcome.
350. Doom Metal does not need flattery
351. No matter how good things get, have faith that your capacity to make yourself miserable is equal to it.
352. If you know any of those Doom Rules you are not True.
353. If you don't know any of these Doom Rules you are not True.
354. If someone mentions any of those rules and you show the slightest hint of recognition, you are not True.
355. If you put a 'True Metal' sticker on the front of your new album cover you are not True.
356. If someone ridicules those holy rules of Doom and you fail to fall into the chorus of laughter, you are not True.
357. The is no such thing as Doom Metal
358. Men sweat in the bellies of machines, and the machines are all bleeding to death, and the flags are all dead at the top of their poles.
359. Optimism can extend your life on average by seven and a half years... you have been warned!
360. Doom is your safe place in an unsafe world.
361. It has to take at least 15 seconds to pronounce the word "doom".
362. Life is a terminal illness.
363. There is slow, there is treacle slow, there is glacial slow, and there is extreme death doom.
364. Don't try singing along to drone doom, you will sound like a cat on heat.
365. You were right! In the cold light of today, yesterday's dread of tomorrow was completely justified.
366. Yes, a doomster is horrible, ugly and boring. And no, he doesn't care.
367. Become one with your whining.
368. Hope is wasted on the hopeless.
369. Everything in life proclaims that earthly happiness is destined to be frustrated, or recognised as an illusion -- Schopenhauer
370. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die Cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
371. When debuting your new album to the music press, avoid making deep statements about the futility of life like "Is this shit ever gonna end?"
372. The only thing more endless than this list is the sorrow of the universe.
373. Sludge Doomsters generally shout, Gothic Doomsters whisper mournfully to dying roses or pictures of their girlfriends/boyfriends (sometimes both) who has just dumped them, funeral doomsters make funny gurgling noises as they choke on the noose around their neck, death doomsters mumble bitterly into their navel, Stoner Doomsters talk to the planets baby, Traditional Doomsters generally talk about the history of doom, True™ Doomsters talk amongst themselves, Progressive Doomsters talk in layers, no one can decipher what the hell Black Doomsters are saying except other Black Doomsters, Drone Doomsters regard themselves as being above talking.
374. Being negative is far more enjoyable than being positive.
375. Being positive isn't an option... what were you thinking!
376. There can never be too many rules for Doom Metal.
377. Never accept a live slot of less than an hour or you will have to play Speed Metal versions of your 4 songs to fit them in.
378. If you can fit more than 5 songs onto one CD (for Funeral Doom see rule 288), you should consider disbanding for fear of corrupting future generations of doomsters with contaminated examples of fast music.
379. Cut out and colour in some life-sized cardboard emoticons and hold them up to your face when people talk to you. Doomsters are far too apathetic to make facial expressions or clear statements.
380. Laughter is for the shallow people who really don't get the complexity of doom.
381. Gothic Doom is untrue, unless of course you're trying to get off with someone, then its okay.
382. A classic Doom concert should just have you in the audience. A True Doom concert should just have the band. For a concert to achieve legendary True Doom status, even the band should not turn up. To go beyond this involves not forming a band in the first place.
383. A Doom concert should never be a sell-out in any sense of the word. For definition of Sell-out, see rule 78.
384. Reality is the enemy.
385. Extreme doom means if you can hear it, it’s too high pitched and piercing.
386. When you sit and listen to a record and the whole room around you starts falling apart, you know it's damn good doom.
387. Suicide should be punishable by death.
388. The whole point of being a doomster is so that you can explain to people why you're not a Goth.
389. Just because 6 billion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you’re wrong, doesn’t mean that you are.
390. And just because 6 billion, 446 million, 131 thousand, 3 hundred and 99 people say you’re wrong, doesn’t mean that they are right.
391. Doom artwork shall be clichéd.
392. If you lack artistic talent, use Photoshop.
393. See the world in shades of grey.
394. The asylum walls are to keep the criminally insane out.
395. There’s no point in upsetting the apple cart, when all the apples are going to roll into the gutter anyway.
396. Get the Doom Rules printed into wallpaper, paper your entire room in them, and make sure to cover all windows and doors so that you can never leave.
397. An optimist wants children, a doomster has them.
398. Clouds do not have silver linings, they are cold, grey and wet.
399. Host your own 'Doom 8' summit of Doom genres and make the trad doom rep wear a monk’s habit.

Chapter V

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400. Slow is the new loud
401. If you have the enthusiasm to compile doom rule 401 then you’re in the wrong genre.
402. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
403. The sum of intelligence of the Human Race is a constant, shared by a growing population. This explains a lot.
404. The sound of doom is the sound of a cement mixer slowing filling your room with quick drying concrete.
405. Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars.
406. There's never enough in the bottle.
407. Doomsters don’t take a dump, they expel their life force.
408. Expelling your life force should be done slowly and with great care. It is a precious thing. Take as many hours as you need. The important thing is that your log is unbroken and impossible to flush.
409. Nobody else gets hurt when you're a one-man band.
410. Only borrow money from pessimists, as they won’t expect to get it back.
411. Lend us a fiver.
412. Watch out for speed cameras on the stage.
413. If you play faster than 30 BPM, expect a speeding ticket
414. Doom is when you meet a beautiful woman... and she’s wearing a beautiful white dress... and you take her home… and you make love to her all night long... and the next day you find out it’s the Pope.
415. You will have reached the point of ultimate doominess when you care so little that you stop listening to doom.
416. Doom Metal is like changing a baby's nappy, it doesn't permanently solve your problem, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
417. Uncompromisingly depressive music requires uncompromisingly depressive people
418. You can’t always ignore the genre elite, but you can try.
419. Don't read more doom rules than your attention span can cope with, else your head will explode.
420. A doom rule a day keeps the doom police away.
421. If you can read the book of doom rules in an evening, then you’re reading too fast and thinking too slow.
422. If you are looking for something to put on your gravestone, you could do worse than a few lines from Edgar Allan Poe… “Thank Heaven! The crisis, the danger is past. And the lingering illness is over at last. And the fever called "Living" is conquered at last”.
423. Beware of fat ladies singing, it could mean it’s all over.
424. Look before you leap, it may not be high enough.
425. Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay. In the midst of life we are in death.
426. Happiness is like scratching a rash, pleasures are fleeting, followed by much pain and an inflamed rash to scratch.
427. The boredom of satisfaction will make you miserable. Satisfaction is the death of desire.
428. Desire will make you miserable because it can never be satisfied.
429. If you don’t want to make yourself miserable with satisfaction, then make yourself miserable with desire.
430. The more you seek happiness, the unhappier you will become.
431. Failure is the antidote to desire and therefore the only true route to happiness.
432. The way to happiness is a very slow process.
433. If you don’t get out much, download a life.
434. In the beginning there was nothing, which then exploded, a bit like you really.
435. In the words of the late, great, Dave Allan “May your Doom go with you”… or was that “your god”? Same thing.
436. You shall never complain about the long list of "Rules of Doom Metal". Having a long list is the ultimate doom.
437. Take a romantic trip down Memory Lane and stay there.
438. We brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Music Industry gave, and the Music Industry hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Music Industry.
439. Your score on the doom-o-meter is proportional to the size of the cross around your neck.
440. You can make yourself feel better by making others feel worse.
441. In band photo shoots, make sure you hold out your arm so that everyone can see you squeeze the invisible Grapefruit of Doom.
442. For enormous invisible Grapefruits of Doom use 2 hands.
443. The light at the end of a tunnel is an oncoming train.
444. Laugh and the world laughs at you. Cry and the world laughs louder
445. Do what the voices in your head tell you, they know best
446. So you think the whole world is against you. Doesn’t it feel good to be right for a change.
447. Doom has got nothing to do with being a fan.
448. If you’re sitting in a rocking chair and you haven’t the enthusiasm to get it going, then you’re probably a doomster.
449. No good ever came out of enthusiasm.
450. Mutter “But is it doom?” under your breath at least 5,000 times a day, ideally rocking back and forth.
451. The future remains to be avoided.
452. If you struggle with reality long enough, you will get it exactly where you want it.
453. If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you haven’t explained them enough.
454. If opportunity knocks, tell it to keep the noise down.
455. In death and in life, there is no forgiveness
456. The world disappears when you close your eyes.
457. Exploiting the sexuality of bereavement to have sex is not an excuse for necrophilia.
458. Life is like a ten-speed bike, it gives you a sore crutch.
459. If the word impossible isn’t in your dictionary, get a better dictionary.
460. eDoomsters disappear when the computer is switched off.
461. You know you have a seriously heavy doom album on your hands when the postman has to drag the package up the drive.
462. You know you have too many doom cds when they collapse into a black hole and suck you in.
463.The great thing about being a doomster is that no matter how badly people behave, they will always live up to your expectations.
464. Nothing is more depressing than optimism to a person with experience
465. If you can't stand the heat, turn the cooker off.
466. Blessed be the name of rule
467. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true, and that'll just have to do.
468. Being ugly doesn’t necessarily mean you are doomed to sleep alone... you might win the lottery.
469. There is never any booze in the house when need it most
470. You know you are a doomster when you volunteer for a session at the Samaritans and all the callers kill themselves… include the guy with the wrong number.
471. Looking on the bright side of life causes eyestrain.
472. Doom is watching the one you love slowly turn into your mother-in-law
473. When applying for jobs, put ‘Doom’ under the section ‘Any interests or hobbies’
474. To die willingly, to die gladly, to die cheerfully, is the prerogative of the resigned.
475. Getting up in the morning requires routine. Get up, put on some Sludge Doom, put on some cloths (get the order right dummy), look in the mirror and call yourself a worthless piece of shit, then go out and face the challenges of a new day.
476. What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Firstly, don’t panic. Secondly look up ‘What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue’ in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it has this to say on the subject…. “What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue… Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer”.
477. Stool samples are doom. Having to collect your own is troo doom.
478. Sloths make good pets for doomsters, just hang them on a tree and forget about them.
479. Tortoises make good pets if you’re into long walks, but keep them on a lead to stop them running off.
480. Avoid Labradors, as they are far too excitable.
481. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang yourself.
482. Alternatively, when you come to the end of your rope, tie a noose and hang the person who drove you there.
483. Doom is an empty apartment in winter.
484. Friends squeeze the invisible grapefruit of doom together.
485. Doom rules about invisible grapefruits of doom are like the people who squeeze them... not to be taken too seriously.
486. Don't let the sun catch you crying.
487. Doom is being trapped in a lift with a True™ Doomster.
488. Doom is having a body that is decaying faster than your mind.
489. Love is doom... misery certainly loves company.
490. Everyone you know goes away in the end, thank goodness.
491. Doom yourself to not hearing the classic Doom albums, you're life will be a lot doomier and emptier as a result. Instead, buy them at extortionate prices from ebay, leave them unwrapped by your CD player, and for the rest of your life, regret your decision.
492. Always do less than is required of you.
493. Get the disappointment over with before you start.
494. If you get the shit of life on your shoe, wipe your soul clean on the Doormat of Doom.
495. Don't say rule #494 too loudly if you are standing under a sprinkler system wired up to a Bullshit Detector.
496. There is no such thing as doom metal. This may seem like a repetition of #256, but some things need saying twice. With repetition comes memorization, with memorization comes indoctrination, and with indoctrination, comes THE ARMY OF TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
497. Within the mantra of #256 and #496 lies a Da Vinci code telling us that Doom Metal does not exist twice. Are there other dimensions where Doom Metal does not exist, or is it telling us “there is no such thing as no such thing as Doom Doom Metal". Unlocking the key to ‘Doom Doom Metal’ must become the holy grail of all doomsters seeking enlightenment.

498.

499. Wonder at the profoundness of rule #498, for within its empty blackness lies the infinite tracks of cold space and unimaginable nothingness that reduce our tiny speck of a universe to a singularity in the great scheme of things, and us with it. Even a dot[.] can’t beat this kind of emptiness.


Chapter VI

500. When you’ve collected a wealth of posts that collectively define your dot.com doom forum community, move, and throw them all away.
501. For all time, there will always be filth, mankind can never change.
502. Any list that has more than 503 rules in it is retarded.
503. The pain of enduring the Book of Doom Rules shall be endless.
504. Doom rules must be monolithic, just like the music… funny or not, they must.
505. The joke isn't funny anymore.
506. Lists of Doom Rules shall flow like bass drone, and send you running to the toilet in terror.
507. If it's too slow, you're too happy
508. The great unwashed hum at the alter of drone.
509. Tradition is a tedious riddle solved years ago.
510. A list of Doom rules is like good wine, it becomes tr00er and more doomed with age.
511. When you wake up, your wrists shall appear as if you tried to cut them with your bare hands while sleeping.
512. The above won't happen since you'll never wake up.
513. The above won't happen due to insomnia.
514. Listening to Doom is like making love to a beautiful woman… it makes you feel inadequate and often ends prematurely.
515. We are strangers in the night, on separate flights, going nowhere.
516. If you think Black Sabbath aren't doom go to rule 518.
517. Black Sabbath are doom
518. If you think Black Sabbath aren’t Stoner go rule 520.
519. Black Sabbath are Stoner.
520. If you think Black Sabbath are Heavy Rock go to rule 522.
521. Black Sabbath are Heavy Metal.
522. Argue the results of Doom rules 516 to 521 on internet forums until you win.
523. Don’t argue who is and who isn’t doom with a Power Meteller, or he will get his dad to put your dad in a cage and stab him with a sword.
524. Never underestimate the significance of a camel in doom metal.
525. Agonise over the meaning of rule 524 until you die.
526. Everything you have ever accomplished bears no significance.
527. Take pleasure in being right about being wrong all the time. It’s good to be right.
528. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
529. Your favourite voltage is whatever it takes.
530. Oh brave Troo Doom, well she deserves that name. Disdaining fortune with her brandished steel, which smoked with bloody execution. Like valour’s minion, she carved out her passage till she faced the slave, the wretched untroo toadie, which ne’er shook hands, nor bade farewell, nor washed, till she freed him from the clutches of naves, into the circle of trooness and fixed the heads of the unrepentant upon her battlements. But the instruments of darkness have told truths which cannot be unsaid, stripping away her myths, destroying all. For when your Troo love swears that she is made of troo’th, you do believe her though you know she lies. She might think you some untutored youth, ignorant in the ways of the world, and you might vainly think that she desires your passion, but you know she knows you are past your best. Simply credit her false speaking tongue and on both sides thus is simple truth suppressed. For a slave and a follower is old in spirit and love's best disguise is the pretence of trust, and age in love loves not to have years told. Therefore say to her “I lie with you and you with me, and in our faults by lies we flattered be”.
531. No matter how doomed you think you are, there is always someone doomier than you.
532. If you find yourself surrounded by doomsters more doomier than you, then you're obviously not doing it right.
533. Doom walks before you.
534. Your neighbours walk beside you, but one covets your ox and the other covets your ass.
535. Death walks behind you.
536. God hates you.
537. The Doom’s Prayer: I have a dream that one day on the blooded red hills of the internet forums, the sons of stoner and the sons of the true will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the forums of these genres, desert forums sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and love. I have a dream that my three little children will one day live in a world where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the depth of their doom. I have a dream that one day the current police states of metal’s scenes, whose local leader’s lips, dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a place where the boys and girls of the terminally depressed and the angry young downer, will be able to join hands and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream! Let doom ring from every free spirit, young and old, against the falsehoods of good-time metal! Let doom ring from your headphones because nobody else will let you play it with them in the room! From every brewery and public house, let’s get drunk! – Amen.
538. If you can’t live together, live apart.
539. Forget Atkins, a Doom diet of depression, deprivation, drugs and death will help you lose those unsightly pounds that keep you alive.
540. One for the lads… Life’s a bitch, but not as big a bitch as your misses… and then you die.
541. A doom drummer will always buy a church bell before buying a new snare.
542. To get that Church-Bell-Tolling-In-The-Rain effect on stage, seed that dark cloud above your head with doubt.
543. Zero is your hero.
544. When you have a hangover it's harder to find the arteries.
545. There is no silence, the frequencies are merely too low for your pathetic human ears to discern.
546. If your ship of fools sinks on the ocean of doom, help your fellow humanity into your sinking lifeboat.
547. Strive to make yourself feel happy enough with life that the thought of death makes you miserable.
548. Let the smile on your face become the deadest thing, alive enough to have strength to die.
549. Buy your loved one some flowers, put them in a vase, then watch them die together.
550. Don't let matron catch you programming a drum machine in your bedroom, or she will make you wear boxing gloves at night.
551. Take one of the few sunny days you get a year off work, then spend it posting on an internet forum with the curtains closed.
552. Look to the early hours of the morning for musical inspiration. A powerful practice amp will help share your inspiration with your neighbours thus greatly improving your relationship with them.
553. When your 3 hour bedroom masterpiece of bowel moving drone death and despair is finally complete, turn up the volume and play it back with pride. In the morning ask your neighbours what they honestly thought of it.
554. When you're composing your new statement of doom, if you've got any friends left, you must call them day or night as soon as you get an idea.
555. The advantage of string instruments is that you can always recycle the strings for strangling yourself.
556. The sun is trying to kill you.
557. The advantage of continually looking over your shoulder is that you might not notice that six feet hole in the ground in front of you.
558. Stoner doomsters seek enlightenment, sludge doomsters seek a vein, progressive doomsters seek change, traditional doomsters don’t, troo doomsters seek elitism, drone doomsters seek the toilet in terror, gothic doomsters seek the beauty in a dying rose, ambient doomsters seek the mist, death doomsters seek an end, funeral doomsters seek a beginning.
559. Doom is knowing you are never going to find what you seek.
560. If doom be a storm at sea with monolithic waves of sub-genres that crash upon the beach of life, then let each doom rule be but a grain of sand on that beach, a beach where doomsters can build their sandcastles of hope and ambition along the waters edge, and pack up their beach towels, buckets and spades at the end of the day and retire to oblivion, leaving only their footprints.
561. Doom is seeing your beloved doom albums placed in the wrong sub-doom genre categories in 'doom special' magazine articles, and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.
562. Doom is wanting something to last forever, knowing that it won’t.
563. Doom is wanting something to end, knowing it will last forever.
564. Doom is the canvass on which lives are painted. Art galleries are the mental hospitals where they are hung.
565. Doom is realizing your insignificance.
566. Before you get the plumber in to fix that gurgling drain, make sure it’s not a ‘My Shameful’ album playing in the other room.
567. Boredom can be pretty boring but it remains the path to doom.
568. Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
569. Breathing faster than once an hour may cause hyperventilation and panic attacks.
570. Listening to Funeral Doom may cause hypoventilation and death.
571. Do not despair, writing page-long profound and witty come-backs on forum boards then losing them to a posting error, can only help you transcend into a higher level of posting.
572. The more knowledge you gain of the nature of doom, the less you really know what it is.
573. If you’re too depressed to be depressed, then you must be really depressed.
574. Choke on the bitter nuclear dust of utter desolation and hear the echoing cries of futile, worthless existences crushed.
575. Embrace the emptiness. For reasons see rule #104.
576. If they thought you were slow at school, they should see you now.
577. To be or not to be, that is the question. Do I owe anyone enough to suffer the shit that life throws at me, or should I do something about it once and for all, and by my death say “Enough is Enough”. But what if in my sleep of death I should dream, and by the pain I leave behind for others to endure, my dreams turn to an eternity of nightmares. O horror, could the pain be worse, worse than the scorns and judgements? Worse than the way I am looked down upon until I look down on myself? Worse than the injustice in the world, my wearisome job, my wearisome life? Worse than my cursed love that makes everyone I share it with despised me? Oh, to be or not to be, that is the question.
578. Conscience makes cowards of us all.
579. The road to compiling the list of doom rules shall be long and arduous, but not as long and arduous as reading them.
580. There is the same infinite number of nothingnesses between any two points as there are an infinite number of infinitely small somethings. This probably means something.
581. There is an infinite number of infinitely small somethings between two people, regardless of how close they think they are to each other. This probably means something as well.
582. To travel through the infinite number of infinitely small somethings that lie in a single footstep would take eternity, which is why stoner doomsters appear to walk so slowly.
583. True doomsters who come home early from work and catch their wife listening to My Dying Bride must divorce them immediately on the grounds of infidelity.
584. Listening to extreme Death Doom is like making love to a pot noodle. It leaves you feeling dirty with a nasty taste in your mouth.
585. Push away those you love until they do the same to you.
586. We’re all dying, some faster others.
587. Give me a skin to dance in and a coffin to rot in.
588. Doom is not being happy with what you have to be happy with.
589. Batwatism (Born Again Twatism) is the first time you realised your father’s ignorance really was ignorance, not what you thought was ignorance because you were ignorant.
590. Most of the time you can read a book by its cover.
591. Most of the time beauty is only skin deep.
592. Doom is taking 5 minutes to tie your shoelaces, so don't attempt 14 eyelet boots unless you have a week to spare.
593. "Most pleasures follow the pattern of the joke, a cheap pleasure that one can enjoy by sticking a bare leg out from under the covers on a cold winter's night, then pulling it back in. What good is a long life to us if it is hard, joyless and so full of suffering that we can only welcome death as a deliverer?" - Sigmund Freud
594. Life is a hideous thing, and from the background behind what we know of it peer demoniacal hints of truth
595. Even the latest god moves in strange ways.
596. It's never too late for an early grave.
597. Test how low you can go by doing the limbo dance of doom under the bar of your expectations.
598. Life is not valuable simply because if exists.
599. Doomsters put the Fun in Funeral.

Chapter VII

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600. Doom is what Doom does.
601. If you think it is Doom then it is Doom.
602. Remember, no one must ever hear your band.
603. Get banned from a True™ Doom forum at least twice just to make sure the first time wasn't a fluke.
604. Do not seek to be healed from your gloom and doom. Without your wounds where would your power be?
605. Let the Doom in your voice put a tremble in the hearts of men and women.
605. If Skepticism get too much, open a Neo-folk forum.
606. Let the beat of your heart be a bell that is tolling.
607. When you hear the bell toll, guess who it’s tolling for?
608. It is better to be wretched and broken, than join in the false joy of others.
609. Become a park-keeper and turn loose the swans.
610. Dance by the light of the bridges you burn.
611. As long as you can reseed faster than the shopkeepers can delete music will preveil.
612. Those whom follow, are doomed to reflect, and not to become.
613. Walking the path to self destruction is a bit like making love to a gorilla, you can only turn back when the gorilla's satisfied.
614. He who has a mind to beat a dog will easily find a stick.
615. All’s well that ends.
616. Your work colleagues like you because you remind them that there are people out there who are more pathetic than they are.
617. Anyone who thinks deeply about the world in which they live will eventually feel a sense of alienation with life.
618. You know you're a doomster when your idea of a wet dream is waking up in a puddle of mud, in a field, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a thunderstorm and not having a clue how they got there.
619. The more you know, the more you don’t know.
620. Life is what you make it... if you enjoy making things out of shit.
621. Drone Doomsters focus on vibrations that emerge the source of the universe and disappear into the ineffable plenitude of the void.
622. Occupying a human body to work out one's negatives is a once in a lifetime opportunity and should be utilized to its fullest.
623. All endeavour amount to nothing.
624. Trying is for losers.
625. There are only two types of music. Good music and bad music.
626. Music made for the wrong reasons will be bad music, or will end up that way.
627. Music isn’t true, only the people are true.
628. Be true to what you are, even if you don’t like what you are.
629. Belonging to a cult, gang or sub-culture does not make you true.
630. Bad music hides behind trends and cults. Good music does not hide.
631. Popularity is for the weak.
632. Troubles soon be over.
633. Troubles will never be over.
634. The grim reaper is coming, look busy.
635. If female genitalia could sing, it would sound exactly like Amber Asylum.
636. To waste a second of one's life is a betrayal of oneself... so, what’s on the telly?
637. Posting pictures of yourself on the internet is NOT doom.
638. Posting sketches and paintings of yourself on the Internet is permitted, but only if they reveal the unmentionable darkness of your soul.
639. Doomsters can't look at themselves in mirrors.
640. Music was invented to confirm human loneliness.
641. Abusers and Victims… the human condition.
642. Nothing inside you is real
643. You're going to end up dead or retarded, which do you want to do first?
644. Keep calm and carry on.
645. Any drummer found playing a snare audibly and incessantly during a Funeral Doom session shall be forcibly placed in the coffin by the rest of the band and lowered into the grave along with the deceased.
646. Have a Doctor standing by to administer first aid to any Thrash or Power metellers who might accidentally wandered into one of your doom gigs. If you can arrange for someone to catch them as they pass out from boredom it would keep the doctor workload down enormously.
647. Thrash Metellers, Power Metellers and the General Public should be warned to get a seat at the bar before you come on.
648. When you are on stage, pick a member of the audience out at random, point and shout “You are NOT doom!” Stop playing and wait to see what happens.
649. You can wait all day if need be.
650. Until you experience doom, you only think you are doom.
651. Doom is a self fulfilling prophecy
652. Death Doom is about your death.
653. Funeral Doom is about the death of someone you love
654. Doom Metal rules should not repeat themselves.
655. Doom Metal rules should not repeat themselves.
656. Repetition is permitted if it annoys True Doomsters.
657. Ambient doomsters like everything quieter than everything else.
658. All to often we are just like the people we hate
659. Nobody said you had to like the truth.
660. There is no such thing as truth.
661. Levity is good. It relieves tension and the fear of death.
662. Anger is more productive than despair.
663. Desire is irrelevant, you are a machine.
664. Fuck you.
665. For never was there a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo... you know this is talking about you.
666. Sometimes the number of a doom rule can describe you perfectly.
667. Don't confuse Gloom and Doom with Glum and Dumb
668. Gloom is the feeling that a situation is bad and is not likely to improve any time soon. Doom is the end of the world.
669. An optimist walks around all day with a sign saying 'The end is Nigh". A doomster walks around all day muttering 'No end in sight'
670. You've checked your trooness against Doom (#212), now check it against Gloom:
Gloom (n):-
A darkness;
A dimness;
A sadness;
A dark place;
A state of melancholy;
A state of despondency;
A state of downheartedness;
A state of dismally low spirits;
A deeply pessimistic outlook or feeling;
Sad Blues.
Gloom (v):- gloomed, gloom·ing, glooms
To become dark;
To make dark;
To make others feel worse than you;
To make despondent;
To cloud, overshadow, overcast.
671. A band with only one bassist is like a one legged man riding a bicycle.
672. You don’t choose to play doom metal, it chooses you.
673. Those who follow are doomed never to lead.
674. "You did that" says your memory. "You cannot have done that" says your pride remaining adement.
675. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said - "Always wash my hands after coming into contact with a religious man"
676. All truly great thoughts are conceived through apathy.
677. If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gazes right back.
678. Home is where you hang yourself.
679. Doom is the sigh of angels
680. Doom is the sigh of bottoms
681. Doom expresses what cannot be said and that which cannot remain silent.
682. If it doesn't make you want to kill yourself, then it's not funeral doom.
683. Listen deeply enough and you will hear doom in everythingl.
684. Shy doomsters hide in wall cavities at parties and watch through cracks in the plaster.
685. Gothic doomsters do not have a reflection in the mirror when they close their eyes.
686. Real Doomsters do not have friends on myspace.
687. Give up hope. Believe in nothing. Abandon everyone.
688. Let your bed soars be your badges of doom.
689. Doom only needs one note. It's what you do with it that counts.
690. Beware Trickie Dickies, they will lead you astray.
691. Beware the followers of Trickie Dickies, rabid sheep may be sheep, but they are still rabid.
692. Beware the followers of Trickie Dickies, they can be trickier and dickier than the Trickie Dickie they are following.
693. Doom is not about doing something.
694. Don't just do something, sit there.
695. Some days you are the bug and some days you are the windscreen.
696. The end of the day is near when small men make long shadows.
697. Money can't buy happiness, so what does it matter if you're broke.
698. If you can't do something well, then enjoy doing it badly. Yes, I am talking about your band.
699. In the absence of absolute truth, settle for a good fantasy.

Chapter VIII

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700. Let only heroes and men of steel decide what is and isn't doom.
701. Chuck Norris surviving in his forest will decide what is and isn't doom.
702. Mr T smokin' a grandee will decide what is and isn't doom fool.
703. Ice-T over some PCB will decide what is and isn't dooml.
704. Miss Marple over a nice cup of tea will decide what is and isn't doom.
705. The X-Men and Mr Ben will decide what is and isn't doom.
706. Jack Warren with his hand on his sporran will decide what is and isn't doom.
707. Sylvester Stallone home alone will decide what is and isn't doom.
708. A very angry Incredible Hulk will decide what is and isn't doom.
709. God and the Devil will plot together and decide what is and isn't doom.
710. Trickie Dickies with their fables and labels will decide what is and isn't doom.
711. The turn of a friendly card will decide what is and isn't doom.
712. The Yellow Jersey leader of the Tour de France with his powerful calves and victory dance will decide what is and isn't doom.
713. Burt Lancaster with his impressive physique in 'The Swimmer' will decide what is and isn't doom.
714. The Ontario Hockey Team skating away on the thin ice of a new day will decide what is and isn't doom.
715. Tough Guys who don’t dance will decide what is and isn't doom.
716. Robin Hood with his bow made of wood will decide what is and isn't doom.
717. Robin Hood's merry men, Sailors and Sea Men will decide what is and isn't doom.
718. The Sheriff of Nottingham, Prince John and his rotten men will decide what is and isn't doom.
719. Simon Templer and Saints of other denominations will decide what is and isn't doom.
720. Little boys who cry "Shane, Shane. Come back Shane!" with tears in their eyes will decide what is and isn't doom.
721. Victor "The Hunk" Mature will decide what is and isn't doom.
722. The Plastic Sword of Power Metal will decide what is and isn't doom.
723. Charles Manson will decide what is and isn't doom, whilst others avoid eye contact.
724. Marilyn Manson will decide what is and isn't doom after he has put his make-up on, bitch.
725. Marilyn Manson's mum will decide what is and isn't doom for Marilyn, whilst smacking his bottom for using naughty language.
726. Macho, Macho Men will decide what is and isn't doom. I wanna be a Macho Man.
727. Macho Women will decide what is and isn't doom.
728. John Wayne will decide like hell it is what is and isn't doom .
729. Darth Vader will breath heavily and tell you what is and isn't doom, and he will accept your apology should you disagree.
730. Schoolly D with his rap full of crap will decide what is and isn't doom.
731. Big Daddy Kane with his Hoe full of Yo will decide what is and isn't doom.
732. Big daddy and Giant Haystack will fight to decide what is and isn't doom.
733. Rick the dick from Casablanca, with his entourage of wankers will decide what is and isn't doom.
734. LL Cool J will decide what is and isn't doom as soon as he learns to spell his name without peeking.
735. Snoop Doggy Dogg will decide what is and isn't doom.
736. Public Enemy will decide what is and isn't doom.
737. Boo Yaa Tribe will decide what is and isn't doom.
738. Iceberg Slim will decide what is and isn't doom.
739. Iceberg Lettuce will decide what is and isn't doom.
740. The Iceberg that sank the Titanic will decide what is and isn't doom.
741. Gay Pokemon will decide what is and isn't doom.
742. He-Men in swimwear will decide what is and isn't doom.
743. Vinnie Jones' two smokin' barrels will decide what is and isn't doom.
744. Captain Blood will decide what is and isn't doom.
745. Captain Hook and Mr Smeed will decide what is and isn't doom.
746. Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
747. Those that own Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
748. Those that own the people that own Warner Bros. will decide what is and isn't doom.
749. Rough men who stand ready will decide what is and isn't doom.
750. Rough guys who moisturise will decide what is and isn't doom.
751. Rough guys who wear leather will decide what is and isn't doom.
752. Robert Michum crawling through barbed wired in the mud and the blood will decide what is and isn't doom.
753. Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) may have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but she has the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and she will decide what is and isn't doom.
754. Lara Croft will decide what is and isn't doom.
756. Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis will decide what is and isn't doom.
757. Before they were slaughtered at Stamford Bridge, the Vikings will decide what is and isn't doom.
758. Before they are slaughtered at Stamford Bridge, Chelsea Football Club will decide what is and isn't doom.
759. Salvidor Dali will decide what is and isn't avante garde doom.
760. Arnold Schwarzenegger will decide what is and isn't doom.
761. The oil in Iraq will decide what is and isn't doom.
762. George Bush and Osama Bin Laden will decide what is and isn't doom.
763. The garage fixing my car for an undisclosed fee will decide what is and isn't doom.
764. The genre elite will decide what is and isn't doom.
765. The doom Police will enforce what is and isn't doom.
766. Aldo and Richard will decide what is and isn't doom.
767. Richard and Judy will decide what is and isn't doom.
768. Judy Garland's little red shoes will decide what is and isn't doom.
769. The lion without courage will decide what is and isn't doom.
770. The tin man without a heart will decide what is and isn't doom.
771. The scarcrow without a brain will decide what is and isn't doom.
772. Bruce Willis' bald head will decide what is and isn't doom.
773. The thug with the knife will decide what is and isn't doom.
774. The fanatic with the bomb will decide what is and isn't doom.
775. The Nation with the bomber will decide what is and isn't doom.
776. Walt Disney will decide what is and isn't doom.
777. Copyright will decide what is and isn't doom.
778. Empty cans that rattle the most will decide what is and isn't doom.
779. Three witches on a bare mountain will decide what is and isn't doom.
780. Those that play will decide what is and isn't doom.
781. Those that don't play will decide what is and isn't doom.
782. Those that wish they could play will decide what is and isn't doom.
783. Those for which doom is a passing fad will decide what is and isn't doom.
784. Chuck Heston's sword and sandle will decide what is and isn't doom.
785. Lauren Bacall putting her lips together and blowing will decide what is and isn't doom.
786. Charlie Chan will decide what is and isn't doom.
787. Jackie Chan running up a wall will decide what is and isn't doom.
788. The Wang Tang Clan will decide what is and isn't doom.
789. You want to know who decides what is and isn't doom? You can't handle who decides what is and isn't doom...
Father decides it, mother decides it
Sister decides it, brother decides it
Uncle decides it, Auntie decides it
Everyone at the party decides it
The horse decides it, the pig decides it
The judge in his wig decides it
The fox and the rabbit
And the nun in her habit decides it
My mate Bill Gates decides it
The President of the United States decides it
The slacker and the worker
The girl in her burqa decides it
The general with his tank decides it
The man at the bank decides it
The soldier with his rocket
And the mouse in my pocket decides it
The drug-addled wreck
With a needle in his neck decides it
The drunk decides it, punk decides it
The brave Buddhist monk decides it
The blind referee decides it
The unlucky amputee decides it
The giant killer bee
Landing on my knee decides it
The cop with his breathalyser
The paddy with his fertiliser
The man in the basement
That's getting a taste for it decides it
The fucked-up Rastafarian decides it
The dribbling libertarian decides it
The sweet little Goth
With the ears of cloth decides it
The cross-over country singer decides it
The hump-backed bell ringer decides it
The swinger, the flinger
The outraged right-winger decides it
The man going hiking decides it
The misunderstood Viking decides it
The man at the rodeo
And the lonely old Eskimo decides it
The mild little Christian decides it
The wild Sonny Liston decides it
The pimp and the gimp
And the guy with the limp decides it
The blind piano tuner decides it
The Las Vegas crooner decides it
The hooligan mooner
Holding a schooner decides it
The Chinese contortionist decides it
The backyard abortionist decides it
The poor Pakistani
With his lamb Bhirriani decides it
The hopeless defendant decides it
The toilet attendant decides it
The pornographer, the stenographer
The fashion photographer decides it
The college professor decides it
The vicious cross-dresser decides it
Grandma and Grandpa
In the back of the car decides it
The hack at the doorstep decides it
The midwife with her forceps decides it
The demented young lady
Who is roasting her baby decides it
The athlete with his hernia decides it
Picasso with his Guernica decides it
My wife with her furniture
Everybody decides it!
The laughing hyena decides it
The homesick polish cleaner decides it
The man from the Klan
With a torch in his hand decides it
The Chinese herbologist decides it
The Christian apologist decides it
The dog and the frog
Sitting on a log decides it
The foxhunting toff decides it
The horrible moth decides it
The doomed homosexual
With the persistent cough decides it
The Papist with his soul decides it
The rapist on a roll decides it
Jack decides it, Jill decides it
As they roll down the hill they decide it
The clever circus flea decides it
The sailor on the sea decides it
The man from the Daily Mail
With his dead refugee decides it
The hymen-busting Zulu decides it
The proud kangaroo decides it
The koala, the echidna
And the platypus too decides
The disgraced country vicar decides it
The crazed guitar picker decides it
The beatnik, the peacenik
The apparachick decides it
The deranged midnight stalker decides it
Garcia Lorca decides it
The hit man, Walt Whitman
And the haliototic talker decides it
The wine taster with his nose decides it
The fireman with his hose decides it
The pedestrian, the equestrian
The tap-dancer with his toes decides it
The beast in the beauty pageant
The pimply real estate agent
The beach-comber, the roamer
The girl in a coma decides it
The old rock'n'roller
With his two-seater stroller
And the fan in the van
With the abominable plan decides it
The menstruating Jewess decides it
The nervous stewardess decides it
The hijacker, the backpacker
The cunning safecracker decides it
The sports commentator decides it
The old alligator decides it
The tennis pro with his racquet
The loon in the straight jacket it
The butcher with his cleaver decides it
The mad basket weaver decides it
The jaded boxing writer
And the glass-jawed fighter decides it
The old town cryer decides it
The inveterate liar decides it
The pilchard, the bream
And the trout in the stream decides it
The war correspondent decides it
The enthused and the despondent decides it
The electrician, the mortician
And the man going fishin' decides it
The cattleman from Down Under decides it
The patriot with his plunder decides it
Watching a boat of full of refugees
Sinking into the sea decides it
The silicone junky decides it
The corporate flunky decides it
The Italian designer
With his rickshaw in China decides it
The trucker with his juggernaut decides it
The lost astronaut decides it
The share cropper, the bent copper
The compulsive shopper decides it
The Viennese vampire decides it
The cowboy round his campfire decides it
The game show panellist
The Jungian analyst decides it
Warren decides it, Blixa decides it
The lighting guy and mixer decides it
Mick decides it, Marty decides it
Everyone at the party decides it
The hairy arachnophobic decides it
The scary agoraphobic decides it
The mother, the brother
And the decomposing lover decides it
Babe I'm on fire 'cause Nick Cave decides it
I told you you couldn’t handle it!
790. Steven Seagal as he leaps from the helecopter onto the aircraft carrier will decide what is and isn't doom.
791. James Bond and Miss Moneypenny on the desk will decide what is and isn't doom.
792. The Druids at the summer solstice will decide what is and isn't doom.
793. The Islamic fundamentalist movement of Afghanistan will decide what is and isn't doom.
794. The conservative evangelical Christian fundamentalists of America will decide what is and isn't doom.
795. Hindu fundamentalism of India will decide what is and isn't doom.
796. Orthodox Judaism of Israel will decide what is and isn't doom.
797. We will decide what is and isn't doom.
798. You will decide what is and isn't doom.
799. I will decide what is and isn't doom.

Chapter IX

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800. I am Doom. You are Not. Not are You. Doom am I.
801. Life is.
802. Life is not.
803. Life is the nasty side-effect of birth.
804. Life is the beginning of death.
805. Life is waiting for your next big mistake.
806. Life is waiting to die.
807. Life is what happens to you if you don't die soon enough.
808. Life is dying slowly.
809. Life is what you feel not what you think you are.
810. Life is having to deal with scumbags.
811. Life is having to deal with tits and arseholes
812. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
813. Life is a long jump from the womb to the grave.
814. Life is hoping you'll soon wake up.
815. Life is a flight through fire.
816. Life is a state of mind.
817. Life is the creation of nothing.
818. Life is a terminal illness.
819. Life is the mind slowly fading.
820. Life is something we all need to get.
821. There is no delight in owning anything unshared.
822. Life is the main thing Doomsters like to moan about, after what is and isn't Doom of course.
823. Life is to exist.
824. Life is a test.
825. Life is a word.
826. Life is a joke.
827. Life is living together alone.
828. Life is Wage Slavery.
829. Life is listening to good music.
830. Life is drinking good beer.
831. Life is great.
832. Ignore doom rules 829 to 831.
833. Life can be summarised in a sequentially numbered list.
834. You are only a character in the string of life.
835. Life is a cannibal who eats itself in order to survive.
836. Life is an outlet for fantasies.
837. Life is a terrible thing to taste.
838. Life is a path to nowhere, walked in fear, with no real freedom, in a body that is a cage, consumed and rotting with age.
839. Life is DOOM!!! And if it isn't, then you are doing it wrong.
840. Life is forcing a smile for 70 years.
841. After silence, only doom comes close to expressing the inexpressible.
842. Songs of grief emit a recuperative aire that lends itself to the restoration of strength.
843. Life is sad-looking emoticon
844. Life is a canvas best left blank.
845. Life is a board game of Monopoly in which all the properties are taken and you just go round and round the board, but never losing enough to get out of the game.
846. Life is an annoying piece of spinach caught in your teeth.
847. Life is a life sentence to some and a death sentence to others.
848. Life is the only thing you really get.
849. Life is a wheel of continuous approximation to corporeal termination.
850. No goats. No glory.
851. Life is shit.
852. Life is killing yourself to live.
853. Computers are incredible fast, accurate and stupid. Humans are incredibly slow inaccurate and brilliant. Put them together and you’ll get an some incredibly slow and stupid on-line forum posters.
854. Let the cold clay be a place to indulge the depths of your doom.
855. Life is a gateway.
856. No it isn't.
857. Life is the slow process of discovering that all you hold dear is bullshit.
858. Life is a dream.
859. Death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead, so grieve not for what is inevitable.
860. And now it has started to rain.
861. Your band must sooner or later cover Burzum's "Dunkelheit" (but rule 19 still applies).
862. Old school funeral doomsters must endlessly state that Thergothon is the slowest, heaviest and darkest band ever, although there are dozens of slower, heavier and darker bands out there.
863. Melodic funeral doomsters are emo, black funeral doomsters are nerds, ambient funeral doomsters are miserable junkies and extreme funeral doomsters have crappy equipment. Only old school funeral doomsters are adult, original, well-produced and intelligent.
864. Discuss the use of sarcasm in doom rule 863.
865. Discuss the use of sarcasm in doom rule 864.
866. Doom is both observable and real.
867. You can never be 100% doom if you are dead unless of course there is an afterlife that's just as bad.
868. It takes devotion, not a 60-minute album to summon Yog-Sothoth.
869. Yog-Sothoth will decide what is and isn't doom.
870. Thou shalt not spoil a good proven dogma with myths like observable reality.
871. Doom is the music of decay, loss, and suicide, let us sing of Doom.
872. Let your Funeral Doom be a respectful reflective memoriam of others.
873. Life the indifference of others.
874. Life is wasted on the living.
875. Life is finding yourself, working hard, falling in love, building up a living, having kids, being full of hope, and then watching it all come crashing down in a big heap.
876. Life sucks.
877. Death Sucks.
878. Any Troo Doomster caught smoking dope as a first offense, shall be sentenced to a minimum of two years hard Stoner.
879. Any Troo Doomster caught wearing flares shall be excommunicated from The Fellowship of the Circle.
880. Conversation is a waste of silence.
881. Life is the wastewater of God.
882. In truth, there is no God, unless Stijn van Cauter decides to create him as a side-project.
883. Since life leads to doom just as wastewater flows into the ocean, ocean is doom (as effectively demonstrated by Tyranny).
884. Go swim in the Sea of Doom!
885. If you are trad doom, wear humongous crosses not unlike those of rappers around your neck, but still write lyrics that are at best indifferent towards Christianity.
886. Never die with your boots on. Rigor mortis can be a bitch when you're being dressed up for your funeral.
887. Over eight hundred rules for a style of music that doesn't have half that many bands is clearly nonsense, but so are seven billion people in a world where just one person is too much.
888. Eve was so frustrated with overpopulation that she preferred chatting with snakes than people.
889. Eve ate from the Tree Of Deciding What Is And Isn't Doom.
890. Verily, one of the first true doom bands was Paradise Lost, and one of the first true doom albums was Lost Paradise.
891. There are 4 kinds of doom; praiseworthy, justifiable, excusable and felonious.
892. Friendship is a lie shared by two people
893. If you tell yourself how much you hate yourself often enough, you will eventually believe it.
894. Having low expectations of yourself and others in an attempt to avoid disappointment doesn’t work.
895. Who will deliver you from yourself?
896. Who will deliver you from black ships in the sky?
897. Everybody needs some down time.
898. Life is smaller than you thought it would be.
899. All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, but some are better actors than others.


Last edited by Beerman on Sun Oct 28, 2007 4:27 pm, edited 55 times in total.

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Beerman
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 11:34 am
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Chapter X

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900. Check the guy calling you a downloading thief isn’t a music executive or his shopkeeping lackey before taking him too seriously, and then check he hasn’t had his hand in your wallet.
901. Be a rock, be an island.
902. A rock feels no pain and an island never cries.
903. No Money. No Ego. No Power.
904. Doom is the new downer
905. "O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day!
Most lamentable day. Most woeful day
That ever, ever I did yet behold!
O day, O day, O day! O hateful day!
Never was seen so black a day as this.
O woeful day! O woeful day!"
906. Regret regretting things.
907. The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
908. Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
909. It’s never too early to start work on that suicide note.
910. Forgiveness is not an option.
911. Doom is the anticipation of the inevitable.
912. All fled, all done, so lift me up on the pyre. The past is over and the lamps expire.
913. If your band is truly underground then there’s no such thing as a disappointing gig turnout.
914. Disappointment at a low gig turnout suggests mainstream aspirations.
915. Better to discover your cult leader is a fraud late, than not discover it at all.
916. Slavery is doom. Sign your band up with a record label now.
917. Make the most of your regrets. . . they are all you have.
918. Fear the future, weep for the past.
919. Life is finding a way to get rid of it
920. Life is the prcess of dying
921. Life is penetrating reality and realising nothing is the answer to all
922. Life is like my beer glass, empty.
923. Looking forward to things leads to disappointment.
924. Within the storms of burning hate, lies the destiny of the false.
925. The kettle's on, the summer’s gone, it’s another day.
926. The only note the music industry understand is a money note
927. That which we are, we are, made weak by time and fate, weak in will, we strive to seek, to find, and but only when answers lie on the path of least resistance.
928. Life's a Bummer.
929. Life is like a game of Tetris; you can't win but you keep on playing anyway
930. Don’t wish you had the answer, you won’t like it.
931. Long, long ago, in the ancient texts of the Doom’s Da Vinci code, a hyphen was used to identify the fakes and phoneys. Traitors to Metal were labelled Nu-Metallers, traitors to Doom Metal were labeled Doom-Metallers. Today, this hidden message remains unknown to the false. Some Internet forums still carry the hyphen of shame without even knowing its meaning. Avoid those marked with the hyphen, they are the damned. Thou hast been warned.
932. Phoney -> a hypocrite, a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives, bogus, fraudulent, having a misleading appearance, to be false, to be marked with the sign of the hyphen.
933. Don't be a phoney.
934. The grand essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for. The grand essential of doom is the realisation that all the above are irrelevant.
935. Anne Frank said "We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same". How doom is that!
936. Happiness comes when your work and words of doom open the eyes of others so that they may see that there is no such thing as happiness.
937. For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to regret being born;
A time to plant, and a time to smoke the plant;
A time to kill, and a time to die;
A time to break down, and a time to gaze into the abyss;
A time to weep, and a time to despair;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance the dance of death;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to fill your pockets with them;
A time to embrace, and a time to see through the embrace;
A time to seek, and a time to realise there is nothing worth seeking;
A time to keep, and a time to throw everything you've kept dear away;
A time to tear, and a time to accept the tear;
A time to let things pass, and a time not to;
A time to pretend to love, and a time to give up pretense,
A time for gloom, and a time for doom, so put on Skepticism, close the curtains, and open the whiskey.
938. When you are a teenager, you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
939. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family as far away as possible.
940. That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.
941. If you wish to be single, play some Tyranny when making out with your girlfriend.
942. To be a Doomster is to be an outsider looking in.
943. For 3 days after death finger nails continue to grow, but phone calls tail off.
944. Life is a woeful ballad whistled to a mistress’s eyebrow
945. When a man is awakened he melts and perishes.
946. Life is like a wild flower, it flourishes until it is trodden on.
947. Love is like a bowl of freshly cut petunias, the desire to possess it, kills it.
948. Doomsters that can't grow beards should make up for it by not shaving their legs.
949. The only thing that makes reality is death, then they hang it on a cross, knee down and pray to it.
950. Our lives aren't real and don't have any lasting meaning.
951. Sewing patches on jackets is best left to boy scouts.
952. Selling patches to sew on jackets is best left to shopkeepers.
953. For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
954. Under the Spreading Chestnut tree, I sold you, and you sold me.
955. At all times thou shalt gravitate towards grimness.
956. Manic Depressive Doomsters when not feeling suicidal, shalt be awesome.
957. Set yourself low standards, then fail to live up to them.
958. The Lone Wolf belongs in the wilderness.
959. A Funeral Doomster is someone who knows that our lives are made by the deaths of others.
960. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
961. Black is NOT a colour.
962. Doom rules are Doom.
963. Doom can be fast.
964. But fast Doom is a lie.
965. Doom is a lie.
966. We are a lie.
967. We'll all die.
968. But Doom never dies.
969. The disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall off the cone onto the pavement does not diminish with age.
970. Tell that guy in the mirror not to waste your time.
971. For some, suicide is a means of escape, for others it's a means of good riddance.
972. Doomed Goats are cool. Billy Goats are gruff.
973. He who is unable to live in society, or has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god.
974. I say again (see doom rule 958)... the lone wolf belongs in the wilderness
975. Be a lone wolf.
976. All elements preserve and destroy. Only in water that has become solid and hard as stone will everything be turned into eternal pillars of salt where life is barely possible.
977. Just because your dad owned a Black Sabbath vinyl, don't go thinking you are cult, you are not.
978. Press one copy of your new Doom album and place it in a time capsule with a million year release latch on so no one will ever hear it. Anything less is False Doom.
979. Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
980. The believer is happy, the doubter is wise.
981. Talk Nonsense, but talk your own nonsense. To go wrong in your own way is better than to go right in someone else's.
982. Without lies humanity would perish of despair and boredom
983. The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud were they not whipped by our faults, and would we not cherish our virtues were they not soured by our crimes?
984. Doom is knowing how to pronounce "Khanate"
985. Suicide is the exaltation of surrender.
986. Life is the slowest of suicides.
987. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
988. Life is nature's way of telling you to drop dead.
989. Hell is a closet you are stuck inside.
990. Despair is the antidote to Action.
991. Doom is not just for Christmas.
992. Life is a mixture of inspiration, perspiration, and desperation.
993. A dream is a lie if it doesn't come true.
994. Doom is too slow for those who seek instant gratification. Doom too fast for those who don’t.
995. Doom is too long for those who want to move on to the next thing. Doom too short for those for whom Doom is their home.
996. Above all, we must abolish hope in the heart of man. A calm despair, without angry convulsions, without reproaches to Heaven, is the essence of wisdom.
997. Doom is the essence of slowness and slowness is the essence of wisdom, for everything that slows us down, forces patience and sets us back into the slow circles of nature. Thus Gardening is the embodiment of Doom.
998. In Doom, BPM stands for Beats Per Millennium
999. In Funeral Doom BPM also stands for Bereavements Per Minute.




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1000. That which is not dead is not always alive, yet the living know not that they are dead, nor the dead know that they are living.
1001. A doomster should die when he should, a troo doomster should die when he can.
1002. Death has ten thousand doors for men to take.
1003. Life ends with a whimper
1004. Life ends with a sigh
1005. Life ends with a final breath of regret
1006. Suicide is a means of escape from the world and its tortures and therefore it is good.
1007. Suicide is an ever-present refuge for the weak, the weary and the hopeless. It is the greatest of all blessings which Nature gives to man, and one which even God himself lacks, for he could not compass his own death, even if he wished it.
1008. Man must learn to die at the right time.
1009. The possibility of easy and painless self-destruction is the only thing that constantly and considerably relieves the horror of human life.
1010. To be truly true, the truly false must call you false.
1011. The Mob Rules whether you listen to fools or not.
1012. No matter how fast your computer runs, you will eventually come to think of it as slow. No matter how fast you live your life, it will eventually cease to satisfy.
1013. The slower the fruit ripens, the sweeter the fruit. Doom is the sweetest of all fruits.
1014. Civilisation is the process of learning to kill humanly
1015. Life is a show that must go on… and on… and on… and on… and on...
1016. Reincarnation is a replay of every mistake you ever made.
1017. Great men suffer hours of depression through introspection and self-doubt. That is why they are great. That is why you will find modesty and humility the characteristics of such men.
1018. Life is a Doom song that lasts for how long it lasts.
1019. Depression is rage spread thin
1020. Depression is anger without enthusiasm
1021. And the living shall envy the dead.
1022. Doom is darker than black.
1023. Doom is the new Black
1024. Death Doomsters stare into the abyss, Funeral Doomsters stare into the grave, Stoner Doomsters just stare.
1025. When words are no better than silence, a wise man shuts the fuck up.
1026. Even roses need shit to grow in.
1027. Slow down.
1028. Nothing means nothing, for Nothing is Forever and Forever means nothing.
1029. Nothing can be wonderful forever.
1030. Misery constitutes the texture of all that breathes
1031. Death breeds life to feast upon, and the cries of pain are the music at his banquet.
1032. Dig your lover's grave with a silver spade.
1033. The Blues ain't nothing but a good woman on your mind. Doom ain't nothing but a good woman in the ground.
1034. If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.
1035. Let the world slide, let the world go, a fig for care and a fig for woe. If I can't pay, then I can owe, and let death make equal the high and the low.
1036. Follow the smoke to the riff filled land.
1037. The world is a dull and dark place, a dreary and doomed dimension corrupted by the pitiful presence of mankind, corroded by greed, spite, malice, dishonesty, confusion, deceit, hate, and just pure fucking horrible human behaviour. We are lower than any other animal, weighed down by delusions of self-importance and distracted by constant struggles towards some concept of of power and status. We are truly, undeniably pathetic.
1038. The truest of venues to play are pubs where no one goes unless there’s a band on and no one ever tells anyone when a band is on.
1039. The truest pubs are painted black, have low lighting and look closed from the outside.
1040. Never advertise you are playing a true pub.
1041. Never go in a true pub unless you are so true it hurts.
1042. Heroes often fail.
1043. You won't read that book again because the ending's just too hard to take.
1044. Never mind.
1045. Trust takes a lifetime plus 1 day to earn, friendship takes longer.
1046. We have not wings. We cannot soar.
1047. Get thee to a brewery.
1048. The cradle rocks us gently to the grave.
1049. Reality is a mirror cracked.
1050. If the suspense is killing you, then keep going.
1051. The door of the hearse is never closed.
1052. Nobody wants to get sued by Metallica.
1053. You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever. You were right.
1054. The sadness will last forever
1055. The slower the music, the slower the heartbeat, the closer to True Doom you come.
1056. True Doom can only be attained when the music and the heartbeat stop.
1057. Life is a dialogue between Spirit and Dust.
1058. Curb your enthusiasm.
1059. All Doom Rules are true, except the ones that mean the complete opposite.
1060. Lovely in death her beauteous ruin lay, for pity swells the tide of love.
1061. Stoner Rock and Doom are two sides of the same coin. You can't have darkness without light, you can't have life with death, you can't have a Ying without a Yang.
1062. Grotesque is beautiful in a way prettiness can never be.
1063. Greed is not greed if it is divinely sanctioned
1064. Doom may be gloriously exhilaratingly gloomy, but gloom is exhilaratingly gloriously doomy.
1065. Thou shall have no idea what Doom Rule 1064 means, but thou shall stroke thy beard and pretend that thee do.
1066. Female doomsters are not excused doom rule 1065, even if that means the use of a false beard.
1067. All beards are false.
1068. All tattoos are gay
1069. Life does not cease to be miserable just because you laugh, and stating the bleedin’ obvious never hurts every now and again.
1070. The style of playing may dish the doom, but it’s what's on the plate that matters.
1071. It’s not the shorts, it’s what’s in them that counts.
1072. If you want to carry the world on your shoulders then you do it, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
1073. Take the appropriate safety precautions when handling toxic religions.
1074. Take the appropriate safety precautions when handling toxic troo doomsters.
1075. Take the appropriate safety precautions when handling doom groupies, like checking they are still breathing.
1076. Some say the death of what's dead is the birth of what's living. It’s a nice thought, but the death of what's dead is more likely to be dead.
1077. Life is killing yourself to live.
1078. Life is a battle of hope against entropy
1079. Life is the sum of everything you deny yourself plus everything you are denied by others.
1080. Doom is music for the rest of us.
1081. A Stoner Doomster with a Rolex is proof that moving clocks run slow.
1082. A Stoner Doomster with a Rolex is never going to happen.
1083. Doom rules 1081 and 1082 disprove the General Theory of Relativity.
1084. Ask any Stoner Doomster, time dilation has go nothing to do with speed, it’s to do with weed.
1085. Time dilation occurs on the fifth bong.
1086. In the unlikely event that after your gig a fan asks you for your autograph, write “no one”.
1087. The first one is always free.
1088. No one must know.
1089. Don’t smell the flowers, their scent is an evil drug that will make you feel better.
1090. Don’t talk to strangers, they are only there to bring you down… same with friends… and family.
1091. The more you consume, the less you live
1092. Do not curse your birth. Had you never been born you would never have kissed and wept, or buried loved ones and prayed for their souls in reddening churches, or had the chance to become unborn.
1093. Play slower you wanker.
1094. Troo Doomsters do not live their lives by Doom Rules however
if you post anything on a Troo Doom forum that is not approved by the Troo Doom Chain of Command, you will be bullied,
if you say you like any sort of Doom that hasn’t been copied exactly from the 80s, you will be bullied.
if you say you like My Dying Bride, you will be bullied,
if you do not repeatedly say how much you admire the bands of those in charge, you will be bullied,
if you say Funeral Doom touches the soul, you will be bullied,
if you say Funeral doesn’t touch the soul, but fail to say it loud enough or often enough, you will be bullied,
if you criticise the regime, you will be bullied.
if you do not say “Nice one Centurion” to those who bully every time they bully, you will be bullied,
if you do not ask about die hard box sets or buy the merchandise from tinkers on Troo Doom forums, you will be bullied,
if a Troo Doom band are thinking about going into a recording studio to think about recording a record sometime in the future, maybe, and you do not say “Can’t wait”, you will be bullied,
if you are not unconditionally ecstatic about any record a Troo Doom band put out, you will be bullied
if you are not thick as shit, you will be bullied,
if you do not defend the rights of bullies to intimidate, belittle, send death threats or physically assault someone smaller than themselves, you will be bullied,
if you do not sympathise and send flowers to a bully who has had his right to bully questioned and is now crying uncontrollably, you will be bullied,
if you ask why Troo Doomsters form committees, councils, circles and follow bullies, you be told it’s a revisionist lie, to change the record, to fuck off, and then you will be threatened with having your teeth removed with a fist, and then you will be bullied some more,
if you refuse to be bullied, you will be banned,
but remember, Troo Doomsters do not live their lives by Doom Rules, the Doom Police are there purely to protect and serve.
1095. And in the lowest deep, there is a lower deep, and that is called Doom.
1096. The truth lies at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
1097. Gothic Doomsters Swing like a pendulum do.
1098. Good threads on Internet forums are rarely found on page 1.
1099. Posts to Internet Doom forums should reflect the length and complexity of the songs, be typed very s-l-o-w-l-y, and should never be read.

Chapter XII

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1100. Every journey has an end.
1101. Don't discriminate. Hate everyone equally.
1102. You are a lean mean dying machine.
1103. You will never change anything, so don’t try.
1104. In the shade where no-one knows, the whistle blows so very low.
1105. Best that you refuse to weep.
1106. And Lo! Towards us in a bark comes an old man hoary white with eld crying "Woe to you, wicked sprits".
1107. Gloom is a trip for two. Doom is a trip for one.
1108. Looking on the bright side of things, everything you do and however hard you try, you are doomed.
1109. I won’t even mention the darker side of things.
1110. Doomsters say goodbye before they say hello.
1111. When all else fails, doom reigns.
1112. May all your relationships be dead ones.
1113. All things must pass, and the sooner the better.
1114. You are not dead if eternal you lie, yet as aeons pass even your death will die.
1115. Your dreams are like a beautiful swan covered in the crude oil.
1116. Doom drummers don’t move when they drum.
1117. Life is ugly
1118. People are ugly
1119. Life is a joke you don’t get.
1120. Life is a disappointment.
1121. Life is a postponement.
1122. Life is a short blip between two oceans of non-existence
1123. Life is like a play with everyone on the stage and you’re the only person in the audience.
1124. Life is like a rollercoaster, you can’t steer it, its ups and downs are irrelevant and you can’t affect its destination.
1125. The truest love that's ever found is for oneself.
1126. The truest hate that's ever found is for oneself.
1127. If it wasn't made in the 70's, it ain't true.
1128. When will you get a break? Never!
1129. Practice your dying routine ready for the big day. Don’t forget those all important last words.
1130. Nobody cares about your last words.
1131. Nobody caring about your last words is doom.
1132. When one by one our ties are torn, and friend from friend is snatched forlorn, when man is left alone to mourn, oh then how sweet it is to die.
1133. There is no head so holy that doubt cannot make a nest in it.
1134. The difference between Mr Stoner and Mr Sludge is Mr Stoner doesn’t care what others think about him, whereas Mr Sludge doomster doesn’t care what he thinks about himself.
1135. When you grieve for others you grieve for yourself.
1136. Stoner is about life, Doom is about death.
1137. Without the light of Stoner there would be no darkness of Doom.
1138. Doomsters die a thousand deaths a day.
1139. A thousand deaths a day keeps the doctor away.
1140. Doom rule 1139 don’t half sound profound.
1141. One inch of love is one inch of shadow.
1142. The heat of love may ripen the vine, but the cool of the shadow stops it from burning.
1143. You can’t win you know.
1144. It is frightening to live, it is frightening to die, and you are doomed to do both.
1145. Don’t waste your time grieving over the inevitable.
1146. A dying man needs to die as a sleepy man needs to sleep
1147. When it’s time for bed, go to sleep.
1148. There can never be a good reason for getting out of bed.
1149. Think you're in love. Probably just hungry. Thinks she's your friend. Probably just lonely. Think she's got you in a spin now. Probably just turning. Think you're a fool for her babe. Probably just yearning. Think you can rock and roll. Probably just twisting. Think you wanna tell the world. Probably ain't listening. Think you can fly. Probably just falling. Think you're the life and soul. Probably just snorting. Think you can hit the mark. Probably just aiming. Think your name is on her lips. Probably complaining. Think you have caught it bad. Probably contagious. Think you're a winner baby. Probably las vegas. Think you're alive. Probably just breathing. Think she stole you heart now baby. Probably just thieving. Think you're on fire. Probably just smoking. Think that she's your dream girl. Probably just dreaming. You think that you're the best babe. Probably like all the rest. Think that you could be her man. Probably just think you can.
1150. 15 years, $100. That's doom.
1151. Your zero to her power of ten, equals nothing at all.
1152. The words of the dead are twisted to lies to suit the living
1153. Truth sits upon the lips of the dying.
1154. The only completely honest person is a dead person.
1155. You are damned if you do.
1156. You are damned if you don't.
1157. Life is not a race and you are not a horse
1158. He who binds to himself a joy does the winged life destroy, but he who kisses the joy as it flies, lives in eternity's sun rise.
1159. Doom refers to a state or feeling of impending and inevitable destruction and ruin, far beyond mere trouble.
1160. Ruin every plan by insisting that it will end in disaster, only see the bad side of things, only look forward to doom.
Thanks-Stay Metal, Stay Brutal, Doooooooooom oooooooon- -l- \m/